Friday, February 25, 2011

Fly Me To The Moon

I'm a very patriotic person. I love my country and appreciate all of the freedoms we have.  I used to believe that we had the safest food supply on the planet. Safety + abundance + choices makes food one of the reasons I love this place and makes it very easy for a Fat Cat to buy the right foods to become a Skinny Cat. Open your eyes at the grocery store next time and behold the shit ton of variety we have. Plus our government takes special care to make sure our food is safe and we dedicate capital- B-illions of $$$ to have the right resources to monitor our food supply. Well, I thought it was to monitor our food supply.

Get this, a recent FDA test conducted on milk showed that EVERY milk sample pulled from various grocery stores had pesticides, BGH (Bovine Growth Hormone) and perchlorate. Perchlorate? That's the chemical in rocket fuel that makes it ignite. ROCKET. FUEL. No worries though, none of the agents were above what the FDA says is "safe" for human consumption BUT developing girls and pregnant/nursing Mommies should monitor their intake of said rocket fuel (not sure how we do that since FDA doesn't mandate that milk co's. list the amount , much less presence, of perchlorate on the packaging). And just as an aside- since when the fuck is it OK to drink pesticides and rocket fuel, much less safe to do so? Computer-assisted analysis of federal dietary data shows that by drinking milk contaminated with the levels of perchlorate found in the study,  you would get a daily dose of rocket fuel larger than the level currently considered safe by the EPA So much for "safe" levels set by the FDA! It has also been found to be a carcinogen, cause immune issues and block the absorption of calcium (ummm isn't that why we drink milk?). Oh and those billions I mentioned above, they actually are spent to prop up the dairy farms, pay for those "Got Milk" commercials and  underwrite the world's largest lab rat experiments (that's us in case you weren't soaking in what I wrote above).

Oh you drink organic milk so you're safe...nope step into your WTF panties and read on! Although the FDA restricts the cows that give us the milk from  ingesting these agents they DO allow this crap to be  added to the feed that said milk cow eats! Oh you don't drink milk so you're safe- negative. It's in anything from milk: cheese, yogurt, ice cream, Hamburger Helper mix, cream based soups and any other product that contains milk. Happy cows my ass!

Won't pasteurization be sufficient in getting rid of the bad stuff? Nope, but it does damage milk's protein structure and significantly impairs calcium absorption and nutritional value. It also destroys a host of naturally occurring digestive enzymes, including lactase (which when missing- makes you lactose intolerant). Aren't we all supposed to be sporting milk mustaches and chirping "got milk" while high fiving each other as we chug down our calcium, vitamin D rich, build your bones cocktail of wholesome yumminess?  Sure, next time I want to shoot a flame out of my ass and launch to the moon like a freakin' space ship - then I will drink some more milk. Until then, this girl is gonna just say no to dairy and give the FDA the bird!

Milk, it wrecks your body good!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011


If you know me ( and if you read this: then now you know more than you ever wanted to) you know I have been battling cankles. I hate cankles. They have reduced a once strong woman to tears every morning and naked sexy time date night for pretty much the last year. I have a giant stiletto-strappy- high heel sandal-dangerous- lady shoe collection in which I risk life and limb to strut in while playing Finger Eleven's "Paralyzer" in my head . Life is a cat walk you know, but only when you can wear the right shoes!

My shoes are not so sexy with know gross swelling that blends your ankle to your calf while stretching your skin and emotional stability to the brink of a nuclear melt down. My life. Every. Day. I get all butt hurt when I realize it's another day I am reduced to flats or flip flops because said cankles look like giant man chubbies in a too small condom when crammed into sky high ankle strap stiletto weaponry. It's also not ever acceptable (just ask Stacy London) to wear really sexy dresses with flip-flops; unless you are going to a hippy granola crunching drum fest in a secluded park. In that case, you only need a joint tucked into your hemp headband to wear with your flip flops.

I feel pretty solid this Wednesday to be able to declare I have won the cankle battle. Since I stopped eating like a stuffed pig and started eating like I actually give a damn about my self- I have had zero instances of calling the suicide hotline because I can't wear any pair of the fabulous magical hooker heels I mentioned above.

Not today, Babies! Oh yes, Paralyzer indeed!

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Hungry Girl Seeks Juicy Taco...

I love, love Mexican food! The varied tastes and spices excite me. Lane Bryant is as excited about my love for Mexican food as they are about the money I spend there because my taco relationship helps my ass need it's own zip code. One of my top 10 favorite places to bust a munch was Taco Cabana. They have the best crunchy beef tacos. Tasty, juicy, just the right amount of grease and cheese and no pesky vegetables to clog up my taco shell. Top that off with a gallon of Dr. Pepper and I was guaranteed a peaceful food comma and the opportunity to test the stretchy band on my expensive know, to make sure they were worth the $50 I paid for them at the  "curvy girl" specialty shop.

I have stupidly delayed getting healthy because I thought I would miss tacos too much. For Christ's sakes that sounds dumb when I read it out loud- but that is the truth. I work hard and I should be able to eat a taco (insert your vice here: hot dog, hamburger, 30 oz. steak, etc. ) every now and again. It's un-American to deny myself a small reward every week. OK, maybe twice a week. Seriously? Taco Cabana is probably trying to figure out why their February sales tanked since I put on my big girl panties (you know the size now) last week and stopped bull-shitting myself.

But that's OK Lane Bryant! Victoria's Secret called and they are so excited that I will be shopping there by Summer! Mostly because I broke up with Taco Cabana and I found this :

Smart Ground Mexican Style
This stuff rocks! It looks, smells, feels and tastes just like taco meat! Right out of the pouch cold; it smelled and tasted great. I microwaved it for a couple of minutes, added a few friends from the produce department and HOT DAMN- I had the world's perfect taco. The Smart Ground + veggies added enough awesome juiciness that I barely missed the sour cream and cheese I would have normally added loaded onto my plate. The best part? I had zero guilt from eating this meal. ZERO. Food is so much yummier and satisfying when you don't have to feel bad for having eaten it.

There is enough in the package to make about 6 tacos...8 if you make dainty lady tacos like I did. Want another feel good ,new Vegetarian, I won the lottery tip? That package seasoned and ready to eat cost me just $3.39. Three Thirty Nine!!! Try making 6-8 servings of oh so tasty taco meat with spices + decomposing cow for under $4.

Smart Ground Mexican Style Nutrition Facts & Ingredients

 (Zero  mystery -I can't pronounce that word-WTF is that stuff- ingredients )
Water, textured soy protein concentrate, textured crumbles (soy protein concentrate, wheat gluten, malt coloring, wheat starch), taco spice (spices, paprika, onion, garlic, barley malt, sea salt, dried soy sauce [wheat, soybeans, salt], dried molasses [molasses, wheat starch, soy flour], yeast extract, natural flavor), less than 2% of: yeast extract, chicory root extract (inulin), corn starch, evaporated cane juice, barley malt extract, soybean oil.

Nutrition:Amount per Serving
Calories from Fat0!
Fat, g0!
Saturated Fat, g0!
Trans Fatty Acids, g0!
Cholesterol, mg0!
Sodium, mg220
Potassium, mg*310
Carbohydrate, g7
Fiber, g3
Sugars, g1
Protein, g9

Monday, February 21, 2011

Thanks for the stomach virus, my dear sweet Valentine!

I'm Cat, and if I am being honest, I would label myself as fat. If you ask the BMI chart to be honest (and I suggest you only seek that charts counsel after you have had a stiff drink or 10) then I am obese. If you are brave and numbed by an adult beverage, click here to find out your BMI: I am 5'8" and weigh (or did weigh) 227. That was last week. Before my beloved gifted me the ultimate Valentine's Day present sans the fancy wrapping, foil stamped card and box of chocolates. I got the gift that keeps on giving... for several days. A stomach bug.

I've been in the 220's club for roughly 5 years now. I used to be in the 130's club. Both are exceedingly unhealthy for me. I have lots of solid excuses to point the finger at for my weight since 2005:

  1. I have RA & Fibromyalgia
  2. I'm too tired to exercise & too busy to eat a healthy meal
  3. Diet Coke cancels out anything bad I eat
  4. I can only afford processed food and Chick-Fil-A. And Starbucks.
  5. My big ass and thick legs are hereditary
  6. I have no will power
  7. I can't lose the baby weight (said baby just turned 18 ...years, not months)
  8. My blood pressure meds make me swell and have cankles
  9. I take steroids and other crappy meds because of #1
The truth is I have been lazy and self indulgent. I have likely tried every fad and health wrecking diet out there.  I have a very impressive collection of diet books, exercise DVD's and web print outs full of groundbreaking, miracle diet results. The only thing skinny about me at this point is my checking account. For all of my efforts of yo-yo dieting, eating an ass-load of processed mystery food, drinking swimming pools worth of soda and consuming tons of blood/uric acid/urine/pesticide/hormone laced red meat-  well no wonder I feel like crap and wear a size 18 (yes , I did just tell the entire planet my weight and clothing size). It's no wonder why #'s 1, 5,8 and 9 are my constant nagging companions. This explains why every morning when I am getting ready for work, I curse the bad lighting in my bathroom because that chick in the mirror looks about 50 lbs. heavier than she thinks she is.

So back to the epic three day diarrhea parade I lovingly refer to as V-Day 2011...I have been telling myself (and so has my Dr., daughter, sisters, anyone with eyes) that I need to lose weight. Right now. Since my entire system was dumped after that bug I decided to start clean, so to speak. Lucky for me, my Valentine also was a Vegetarian for 17 years and so I get his knowledge and trusted companionship as I venture into Vegetarianism. It's been an adjustment this past week giving up soda, meat and cheese. I have had my slip ups (Chick Fil A grilled chicken breast on Wed. and cheese on my omelet Saturday) and there have been weird negative responses about my drastic get healthy quest. I was sharing my new food attitude and what I have learned in a short week in the break room today when Lady in Stretch Pants condescendingly asks barks at me, "Everyone HAS to have meat how do you think you will get your protein and stay healthy?". This is when I silently counted to three because, fat or skinny, this Cat will scratch your eyes out. "Deep breathe", to me I say as I picture her as a chemically saturated fat filled Hostess Ding Dong. "Well I won't be getting it from that cheeseburger you have in your hand- that's for certain". From the look on my pals face- that was indeed said out loud. Did I mention I am far, far away from being perfect?