Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Boobies And Chin Hair

Can we all agree that it is a cruel joke from the universe that the older you get, the harder it is to lose weight? I remember when I was 18 and working at a hamburger place; it was not unusual for me to have a double cheeseburger, onion rings, mozzarella sticks and a milk shake for dinner. While drinking full leaded Coke all night. If I added a little weight, and believe me I would know because there is no mistaking the harpie shrill scream of a high school drill team director threatening your future ability to walk when the scale dimes you out and tells her you gained .0000025 pounds, I would just skip breakfast. Done. No pain, no sweat, no plus sizes.

Now, I am almost 40. Four-fuckity- D. I have been trying to lose 60 pounds since 2/13 of THIS year. As of today, I have only lost 12. TWELVE! I may have to kill a goat and make an offering to Satan in order to lose more weight. And it's too bad I just thought of that because I just gave my only goat away to my brother and it has probably already been offered to the bar-b-que. Hope Satan likes annoying coworkers- plenty of those around to sacrifice. Why is it that now- when I would totally appreciate effortlessly losing poundage- that the puppet masters of my reality turn off my metabolism and make it possible for me to gain a pound and a chin just by smelling food. What kind of  sadistic Jedi magic trick is that? And as if the inability to lose weight isn't bad enough, lets add some salt to the bloody wound of a trainwreck I call my life,  shall we?

Below is a FB Chat With Carrie. We get paid for this. I bet our bosses are blissfully unaware that they are paying us for this, but we'll just file that away in the That's What They Get For Having  A Crappy Dress Code file.

Me: I've had my period for like 2 weeks. Or years. Same thing.

Carrie: My boobies are sensitive. Like they need to be more sensitive.

Me: Seriously cutting into nekkid sexy time. WTF is that about?? Our age?

Carrie: Extra hormones.

ME: Ohhhh.

Carrie: And God laughing at us...

Me: He can suck it.

Carrie: God says,  "Bitches, you're done having babies? Extra periods for you!"

Me: Damn, God! We should be rewarded with nice boobies and zero periods. Men suck.

Carrie: "Oh, and here's some chin hair and vaginal a bonus"

Me: OMFG I hate you Carrie, seriously!

Carrie: Why?

Me: I can't breath i'm laughing so hard....and I just spewed the Coke i'm not supposed to be drinking onto my crotch AGAIN dammit!

Carrie: That solves the vaginal dryness problem.

Yeah, i'm an almost 40 year old woman. Lucky fucking me.

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