Shoe Porn: Classic Hooker

What's not to love about these? Pony hair pumps with a very stunning leopard print trimmed out by bright red patent leather. That's a modest 4" heel and easy to strut around in all day because it is thick and has a large pointy end (boys, hold your pervy comments). These are the "Zasperf" by Bandolino...my all time favorite shoe maker. They consistently make a very sexy shoe that stands the test of time. These are hot but subtly hooker. These were a splurge purchase at Nordstrom's for $150.  A quick search on Google yielded zero results for this shoe. It's a limited edition but I am surprised to not find it even at Zappo's. If you can find a pair, snap them up. Sizes are .5 smaller than true. I wear a 10 but a 9.5 in Bandolinos. Good luck on your hunt and let us all know if you find these anywhere...after you secure your pair, of course!

Thrift Store WTFery

Life gets so messy sometimes that it takes months to clean up. I recently wrapped up  divorce  numero  dos (don't be jealous if you haven't even arrived at #1 yet...it will come..trust me). We were out of love for years, separated for another year and in a divorce free fall for months. It wasn't ugly, just one of those "hey, do you smell what I smell?" type deals. Even if it was an epic shit storm, I wouldn't tell you anyway. For sure not here. He has my dogs, and next time I visit, I don't want to be in the position of noticing they are missing after I have eaten the oh so meaty chili. Mr. Ex was nice enough to let me stash my stockpile of useless crap in his spare room for a very long time. I finally went back to Austin a couple of weekends ago to pick up what I thought was a few boxes. Upon entering the room and being greeted by floor to ceiling boxes (not counting what was stashed in the closet) it became clear I was one box of shit shy of being a Hoarder's episode.

After sorting through the mountains of crap I had forgotten I abandoned stored there, I packed my SUV within an inch of it's life. Consequently, this made driving home a bit tricky since I couldn't see out of the windows. I was certain at every curve that this would be the one that I roll my truck on. I had anxiety over my dead body being found splayed out next to my boxes of pictures, craft crap and files. If any one found me, they would quickly surmise I was a lonely old weirdo with hundreds of files of boring and would likely start a search for the twenty cats I should have with me. Unless they found the one bag of excitement I had in my possession. A bag packed with pastel yellow rubber whips and bright pink and yellow straws. With penis heads to suck on. Now before you get any measure of judgemental, they were for a friends divorce party. Since my plan for all of this crap was to sell it in a garage sale in New City and make a few bucks for new hooker heels and new Fall make up; I didn't think it was appropriate to sell nasty dirty but oh so fun penis straws at a garage sale in front of my house. I dumped them in a men's restroom at a truck stop instead of risking their accidental appearance at my sale right as the very Christian home schooled kids across the street were looking for craft projects. Somewhere in Texas is a trucker really pissed at me because the guy that used the bathroom after him thinks said trucker is a weirdo that likes sipping his beer through a wiener head. I bet that asshat never tail gates a truck that looks like mine again.

During the garage sale, a youngish cute pregnant couple buys stuff. A lot of stuff. They proceed to tell is that they are stocking their new home on the cheap. Aaaw how sweet! Youngish middle aged love about to pop their spawn out of fun city and they are padding their nest. Awesome, at this moment, I'm happy they hauled my useless crap very valuable heirlooms and rare antique furnishings away. Fast forward to Saturday. The Man and I are in dire need of a coffee table because we just sold the leather ottoman that the cat likes to dry hump like a lusty teenager in the garage sale. We decide a funky lime green table is our goal, and knowing there is no way in hell we will find that at a furniture store, we head to the thrift shop to make our own shabby cheap table. Holy hell, the first table we come to is perfectly funky awesome and will look epic after we spray paint  and add new handles to it! While The Man goes to make a deal, I look over to the next booth. WTF! There is my lamp, glass pitcher and other crap I just sold to that  lying bastard couple! I've been screwed and the only wet spot to prove it is the rabid pissed foam frothing from my fangs. Seriously? WTFery is this? I gave them awesome deals because I was having a moment of compassion (see Kittens, that never pays).  The guy recognizes that I recognize him. So does his fat ugly pregnant hooker. She bolts. He breaks eye contact. I tell the back of his head, "Hey congratulations for completing that junks circle of life! I bought that crap for less than you paid me for it at this very thrift store to sell at my garage sale". That was a tiny white lie of course, but sometimes that's just the spot light needed to make some one's asshattery shine to it's full potential.

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Weekly Wrap Up: 9.24.11

Quote:
"Maybe he can take care of the bulge after he gets a refund for his craptastic boobs." -Laurie Mayfield in regards to a truly shitastic picture I posted  here on FB on 9/19.

Picture:



We had fun with at this guy on Skinny Cat Facebook.
"Russell Brand in 20 years" -Kathy Low

Most Read Post:
It's Momster Season. And guess what? Anonym Ass has yet to reply. Sigh, I was truly hoping for some bitchtastic banter.

What's Up for Artsy Chicks Tomorrow:
Do you know an Artsy Chick who would like to be featured tomorrow? Leave a comment below with a link to her Etsy and/or FaceBook page!

Next Week's Fail Theme:

Sex toys. Yeah, there are lots of fails in this category! Get your eye bleach ready!

What's New:

How about some more Dirty Dictionary vocabulary?

Best Bloggity Post I Read:

If you're a dating girl, guy or smart ass pirate; you have to check this blog out. Most times funny and other times creepy scary.

Big Red Flags...Those Warning Signs You Spotted But Chose To Ignore

Anonym Ass

I woke up at 6:00 AM today to a beautiful cool Fall morning with big plans to break out the Crock Pot , bake cookies, go with The Man to get a new tattoo and just enjoy a down day. I brewed a pot of coffee, grabbed a stack of reading I have been ignoring, added my sketch book to the stack so I could start outlining today's post and headed out to the front porch. Perfect. Quiet. Just me and the birds and the occasional neighbor out on a walk. When 8 AM rolled around, I packed up and headed to my office to start writing and working on a few Honey Badger Press projects.

My first order of business every morning  is to check for comments to approve and post. I  hate having to "approve" comments but I had to start doing it because some  douche canoe was posting rude and aggressive comments towards my Kittens. Of course all under the  "Anonymous" name. Not only is that uncool, it pisses me off when people hide behind anonymity to be asshats out loud and fly their douche bag banners. So, I had to start holding comments for approval instead of just letting them flow onto the blog when you intend them to. Guess who the first comment was from today? Yep, one spineless Anonym Ass. I'm totally fine with most anonymous comments because they are generally complimentary, funny, insightful or represent a different opinion and do not equal a verbal drive by. Those are all welcome anonymous comments. However, if  you want to go out on a personal attack on me or a fan, then you should have the man sack to sign your name. Otherwise, you are a douche. A pussy. A fucktard. All rolled into one hairy invertebrate window licker. 

On the Momsters post, Anonym Ass posted this little gem, "Excise each "momster" and just put your own name there. I have no doubt, you're a Democrat". I started the task of taking the douche to the carpet in a rebuttal comment but then realized a post would be much more fun and perhaps a learning experience for them and entertainment for you. So here it is, my response, and more about me than I bet the asshat ever wanted to know:

• On Being A Momster: I am not in that particular fucktarded club because I actually know how to drive/park my SUV, I don't have little bratty kids, I don't go to the bacon aisle for happy hour, I have the social intelligence to move the fuck out of people's way, I am considerate (at first)- and perhaps most importantly- I have the backbone to speak up and sign my name to whatever it is I might have to say whether anyone might like it or not. Unlike you. 

• On My Political Alignment: I am not certain how you can claim to extract my political views from this, or any other, post. My blog  is a no political bullshit zone. Since you seem to be interested, I am the farthest one could possibly be from a "Democrat". My political views are more closely aligned to Libertarian values and that little piece of paper we call The Constitution. From your attempt to insult me ( I think) I can only pontificate that you are the dimmest of whits and the only tripe* you could regurgitate from Fox News was to call me a Democrat because they use it as an insult. Which I don't understand because I would rather have dinner with a Democrat any day than some nitwit that doesn't even have a name they are proud enough of to sign to their shitty comments. I will give you one free pass to web redemption and challenge you to come up with something more creative and colorful to call me;  perhaps a new addition to the Dirty Dictionary! Go ahead, we are all waiting to read what you come up with.

• On Personal Attacks: I suggest you go read more about me on a post labeled, "Ask And You Shall Possibly Regret That You Did".  Then you can get all ape shit crazy and post your comments. But don't be a pussy and and try to be combative. Make a good argument, say something thought provoking, disagree but back your opinion. In short, don't be a tool.  However, I can call you out because :

1. This is my blog
2. My fans would think I was a giant pussy if I didn't
3. I proudly sign my name to it all and
4. This is my blog

• On Being Anonymous:  Perhaps you should Google how to set appropriate privacy settings  on your device because as it is now- I can see your IP address and your email address. They both posted with your comment but I decided to be nice and not let that information be public for all of the interweb to see. Yet. So you see, it doesn't ever pay to be an assclown because sometimes Karma is instant. Clueless dumbass, line one!

As far as my day went, it was truly fantabulous! Home made chicken & dumplings were perfectly Fall and delicious. Our four hours at the tattoo shop equalled a ton a fun because our tat guy was a riot and some hot 21 year old flashed her very perfect boobies at us. The Man was delighted and so was I. Nothing wrong with thinking perky boobies are a site to behold! I didn't get to the cookies but I did pop open a new bottle of wine, wrapped up an article , chatted with my sister, hit 200 fans on Skinny Cat Facebook and made progress on other fun stuff. I declare today an epic win!

*tripe...thanks for that Amanda!

Shoe Porn: I Love The Man

I love The Man. I was boo-hooing that I wanted needed a new pair of black hooker heels and looking like a pathetic monkey because the 120 pair I have are somehow not enough. He came home the next day with these fabulous Anne Michelle sky scraping, platform, zip up the back, fucktastic jet black heart breakers! He bought them on the Air Force Base for me ( I know- I am shocked- they have a freakin' Coach boutique also!). These were on clearance for $12! Sizes run big. I usually wear a 10 but these are perfect at 9.5. These are surprisingly comfy, fun and trendy. Because they are trendy and might be ass ugly come next Summer- they are a deal brand new for $25 at http://www.anne-michelle.com/. Go on and get ya some so we can all be fabulous together!

It's Momster Season

I declare a moratorium on Momsters. Neh, open season is a more permanent solution. You know them, those mommytards that are hopelessly delusional and seriously believe the world is revolving around them and the rest of us are their live and too annoyed to laugh audience. They generally can be spotted in a bigger than Godzilla SUV or a gold trimmed Town & Country. Coincidentally, they can not spot you because their hair, phone, bouncing screaming evil devil spawn mini-morons and catching up on an episode of Real Housetards of Wherever have distracted them from the speeding kamafuckingkazi traffic around them and their ability to pay attention to  someone other than themselves. Uh-oh, Kittens, get ready for some serious ass hurt because I am so ready to taze a bitch next time I see her in the grocery store yapping up a shit storm and ruining my wine and cheese sampling or trying to go all Mad Max on my truck because she was drinking/eating/slapping a brat/updating her FaceBook while driving. There is no mercy here in WTFville for momsters. None.

They've been in my life in one form or another for roughly eighteen years or as long as I have been a  Mommy. When The Girl was little I didn't notice them enough to be annoyed. They blipped my radar but in an amusing I hope I never act like that sort of way. Then she started to play soccer, go to gymnastics and join the softball team in high school. Oh holy hell did I ever almost lose my grip on reality. Aside from the constant competing for Queen Bee Momster status in the booster club and snack rotation, to which I loathed participating in but had to so The Girl wouldn't get put on the fun blacklist, there is the constant bragging about their perfect kid(s), their perfect homes and Martha Stewart ninja skills. I hate to be the one to deliver this message to any current or up and coming Moms but there is no such thing as perfect. Not one kid is perfect and that's what makes them incredibly entertaining and fun to hang around. Perfect is a lie that hangs around with Santa and the Easter Bunny... every one has heard about them yet no one has actually seen them.

By the way, stop acting like the game/play/recital is about you. It is not. It is about them trying to make you proud and no matter how horribly wrong said event goes you need to clap, cheer and tell that kid how awesome he/she is. You know what Momster? If you want some glory and a gold star, go join a whatever team for self loathing I have to relive my childhood manic pathetic women. I bet they will totally love your team snack contributions and blow the obligatory smoke up your ass. As for me, please be warned, should I ever happen to hear you berating your poor kid in public again because they didn't score and YOU are embarrassed- be prepared to get pimp checked by yours truly. I am so going to give you a reason to have to surgically remove your puckered butthole out of your throat and your kid is going to fist bump me in gratitude. M'kay?

 Lastly, I would like to request that when you are in the grocery store please just shop. Don't be the turd that's clogging up the shopper rotation in the aisles. Seriously, I can not stand it when a self absorbed momster is yammering away with her tardpack and no one (me) can't get to the bacon. This happened to me the other day. I had my coffee, my list and I was set to shop and not be annoyed. But no, a flotella of douche canoes had dropped anchor in the lunch meat aisle. I have no idea what the bitches were talking about but they were oblivious to me and the other four (FOUR!!!) shoppers who were staring holes into their heads and trying to make them spontaneously combust. We all stood there staring at them and getting more pissed by the nano second. Eyes starting meeting and four silent "i'm too much of a pussy to say anything" were floated into the air like an obnoxious beer fart that no one wanted to claim. Fine, I will say something because it's cold in the meat aisle and all I want is some thick cut bacon and silence.

"Excuse me"

"Sorry, we're in your way!" Followed by giggles.

So I stare because I spoke so they would move- not stay put.

"EXCUSE ME."

Bitches move. Like a total of five feet. Three of us get by only to be log jammed again.

So I again say, "EXCUSE MEEE!"

"I guess we're always in your way!" one replied in a fuck off we're talking about crazy monkey sex with the gardner and this is the only time I get to brag to the Bunko Girls tone.

Um, uh oh.

"Yes, you are always in all of our way because while we are trying to shop you all are having social fucking hour in the deli aisle and seem to be oblivious that this is a public super market and not your very own rude lady private club".

Blank stares.

Flotella drifts to the baby aisle, which is fine because I stay way clear of that area anyway, and we can all resume shopping without the Momster noise. No one says thank you as they quickly scatter and go to any aisle except the one I am in. Which is fantastic because all I wanted was silence to begin with. Chickens.

Coffee Is My Soul Mate

I was re-reading my past posts for inspiration and this one caused a slight pisshap. I remember this day so vividly. Not only did I feel like a super hero in hooker shoes this day- but I truly had a fantastic time laughing at it with my co-workers. We were all in the same craptastic boat floating aimlessly on the the Down Size River not knowing if we would have a job at the end of the scary white water adventure. This particilar day it did not matter because it was just us being awesome and giggling.

So,  my fellow Seton/Atos/Dell friends,  today is to you! I miss you all, the laughs and the epic plans for IT domination that included a margarita machine in every server room.

----------------------------

Hi my name is Cat, and I am addicted to coffee. I drink alot of it. I drink it in the morning, lunch, afternoon and dare I say, before bed. Hope Mr. Man isn't reading this because I am about to be in trouble. If I go out with Carrie, you can bet after happy hour and me begging her to carry me down the stairs because I can't navigate them in 4 inch stilettos- there is coffee. Lots of strong Italian coffee. It's not about being able to walk in said shoes, because I can strut so bad ass in them that Naomi Campbell flys into a jealous rage and throws phones at my head. Well, that's what would happen if she was rolling with us but our Honey Badger Bus is already full of glitter,crazy and fabulous- so she has not been invited. It's because after Carrie makes me drink 3 margaritas and a beer, she makes the stairs go all steep and wobbly. And after she makes me scoot down them on my ass I always get a cup of coffee or two. Followed by a time out on the park bench while we heckle the security guard and anyone else in the parking lot. We know the coffee has done it's job once we don't think we are funny anymore. And now I will have my Carrie pass revoked, again, by Mr. Man.

Because I love the bean so much- I took an epic dive for it this morning at work. At. Work! You see, some ass munch keeps taking the holy grail of free office coffee (that would be Folger's) up to the second floor. There were pissed people in the kitchen- going all Sparta because we only had Starbuck's to drink. Bet Folgers wishes they had a camera rolling here today!

I was feeling heroic in my cute heels and spray on tan so I reached into the back of the freezer to pull out my trump coffee card- a bucket of Folger's- look at me be fabulous fellow cubicle land prairie dogs. Look at me! So there I am, in a cute short khaki skirt, pretty coral sweater and of course, nude high heeled strappy sandals. I was having a moment- Office Manger saves the day AGAIN! So I go to open it- oh smell the coffee my followers - bow down and say thank you. As I am taking the lid off, the fucking bucket squeezes out from under my lady arm pit death grip, bounces off the table and skids across the floor- leaving a trail of wasted coffee and broken caffeine dreams behind it.

Tears , shock and horror all around. I go to grab the shitty Folger's bucket soft ball dive style and mid skid recall I am wearing a fucking skirt and these nerds awesome IT guys do not need to see my ass or my Hello Kitty panties so I attempt to stop in my fabulous heels. I do not stop. At all. They keep going. Without me. Really universe. REALLY!!!! Epic coffee save denied. On the bright side, I read that coffee reduces your chances of cancer! Holy crap- at the rate I drink coffee I am good for this and my next 10 lives. Hell, I bet if I go rub on you- you will be safe also. So just to be sure- I am going right now to meet my sweet but lethal Puerto Rican Sandra at Starbuck's to get a venti- non whip -soy-something -cancer blocker. See the sacrifices I make for you guys? I love you like I love coffee!

Copy Cat: Brutal Truths and Best Friends

Brutal Truths and Best Friends

Posted on September 12, 2011 by carriefalquist

http://rockermomrambles.wordpress.com/

I love having friends who refuse to blow sunshine up my ass. That would encompass most of my true friends. We just don’t bullshit one another, and as a result, have a level of trust and camaraderie that a lot of folks just don’t understand. I find it epically awesome. Not your ordinary awesome, but like gold star, highlighted in glitter pen “AWESOME.”

My girl Cat is in town, and I have missed her like crazy. You’ve probably read blogs about this friendship, our escapades when we spent 3 nights a week at Dallas Nite Club because we had $5.00 between us and they had a queso bar so we could eat. Also, we never had to buy our own beer. We’d stand at the bar, give each other a kiss, and suddenly the shots and longnecks would start coming our way. That’s is a whole other story. She’s one of the most direct, funny, kick ass people on the planet. If you haven’t read her blog, you’re missing out. I suggest you do so, as soon as you’re done reading mine.

Yesterday, she came over to get ready so we could head downtown to attend a launch party for a new magazine she contributes to. I couldn’t decide what dress I wanted to wear, so I was trying on a couple. I put on my new little hot pink number, and showed her.

Cat – “I don’t like it.”

Me – “Really? I love this dress.”

Cat – “I like it too. But not on you tonight.”

Me – “Do I look fat? Does it make my boobs look stupid?”

Cat – “No. You look like you grubbed on queso and enchiladas at 1am last night, and I know you’re going to be a raving bitch if you have to a)wear spanx under it in 100 degree heat or b)suck in all night so you don’t see a picture of yourself and jump in front of a train.”

Me – “Good point… let’s try the little black one!”

This is the kind of brutal honesty I appreciate about my friend. She would not let me leave the house in something I wasn’t going to completely rock. So the hot pink dress has been shelved for a later date (hopefully a DATE date), and I left in a sexy black dress that did not require some sort of foundation garment. Because let’s be real, had I needed to wear Spanx under my dress, I would have been crabby.

So we go to this party, walking 4 blocks in 5″ hooker heels. (Side note: I did not fall down once) On the way to the event, we pass by a patio where there are some boring looking women drinking wine and trying to be snarky to the passersby. Me, being used to people staring at me when I go places, especially when I’m 6’3″ in hooker heels and have hot pink hair and people are wondering if I’m a tranny, didn’t notice. Cat, on the other hand has Spidey sense when it comes to other women being bitchtastic, hears them say something about us. What does she do? She stops, turns to them with “the look” and goes “Problem? Issue? No? I didn’t think so.” I turn back, and these girls are sitting there with their glasses of Chardonnay and sensible shoes, slack jawed that the Amazon blonde verbally bitch slapped them. See why I love this girl? During this short walk, not one, not two, but three people said something about my hair. And, as I find happens every time I leave the home and interact with the general public, one of them said “You have pink hair.” Wow. Thank you Captain Obvious. I think I’m going to start telling people I see on the street “You’re wearing a t-shirt” or “You have male pattern baldness.” You know, just in case they weren’t aware.

We get to the party, meet a few people, I buy a $3.00 Topo Chico because I love me some fizzy water and I was dehydrated after my cross town hike in strappy fuck me shoes. Party was “meh” so we decide we’d rather go have a beer at the Mean Eyed Cat, then find some Mexican food somewhere. (Again, thank you dear friend for not letting me wear the clingy pink number that would have been all kinds of tight in the wrong places after yet another meal of queso.)

On the way back to the car (four blocks AGAIN in the *@*$&^% shoes), we stop to chat with the valet attendant, because well, we’re friendly. Cat turns, catches the heel of her leopard print peep toe stiletto on a manhole cover, starts to go down, does this amazing Jackie Chan spin, hits the corner of a brick on the walkway, almost goes down again, catches herself, crouches, turns, and lands ON HER FEET in the gravel surrounding a planter. Fan Freaking Tastic! I applauded her. Some dude driving by honked. Her reaction “I just sprained my pride. Fuck off.”

The topics of conversation last night included:

■Nipples

■Cabbage Patch Feet

■Hooker shoes

■Dirty Sanchez

Wanna read the rest? Click the link below:

 http://rockermomrambles.wordpress.com/

Silence

We all have our story. We all know exactly where we were and how we felt today ten years ago. That day still stings me. I didn't lose anyone but I think we all lost a little piece of our souls knowing it could have been us. It could have been me. So it's a private day to me and I don't watch the replays, the news, the commentaries or the interviews. Some may say it's selfish but today I am in Austin having bar b que with my family, catching up with friends and enjoying time with The Girl. We have to keep moving forward. Keep living. Keep appreciating every minute of freedom we have.

I love this Country in a fierce maniac kind of way. This is why , if you want to know, click to this link and read on.

More Than Cowboys & Bar B Que

How to help with the Texas fires...
Donations needed, volunteers, Red Cross amd donation drop off sites.
Scroll to the bottom of this page and do something.

UPDATE 9/5/11 12:44 PM:
The fire in Bastrop has now burned 24,000 acres,  more than 300 homes lost and thousands of displaced people. The fire is 16 miles long and 4 miles wide.
Austin Pets alive has taken in all of the dogs from fire affected shelters.
Austin Humane Society has the cats. See below for info.

UPDATE 9/5/11 3:13 PM:
There is an URGENT NEED for horse transport for evacuation in Bastrop County, TX. Barns that were used to house evacuees are now in the fire's path. Rt 304 still open both ways. Anyone in the area who can help, please call Beth at 512-467-4893 or Rachel at 512-581-2940.

The American Legion in Bastrop is accepting pets and livestock.
http://www.centraltexasnights.com/clubs/americanlegion533.html

The Red Cross is asking all Bastrop Co. evacuees to go to their website and register on the Safe & Well list. Please do this so a firefighter doesn't risk his/her life to find you.
https://safeandwell.communityos.org/cms/index.php

 I have been sitting here trying to write a piece about the epic fail I experienced at the taco stand Saturday. I can't think of a funny thing to say because the state I love is on fire. You can say what you want about Texas and believe all of the stereotypes that are out there about Texans. The truth is, if you're interested to get to know us, we are more than cowboys and bar-b-que. Texans as a people are well mannered, thoughtful, friendly, loyal and outstanding neighbors. We wave at strangers passing us on the road, we stop to help people that are in a broken down car or dealing with a broken down life. We help with each others kids, we show up for neighbors weddings and we carry each other through funerals. When the chips are down, there's no better place to be than a neighbor of a Texan.




Bastrop State Park: 6,000 acres and home to many thousands of unique wildlife.
It is surrounded by more than 3.000 homes, businesses, churches and schools.



Aside from our outstanding people, this state is amazingly beautiful. We have it all: canyons, mountains, deserts, plains, lakes, basins, rivers, the gulf coast, metropolises, ranches, skyscrapers, champion gulf courses and tremendous wildlife parks. We have every industry you can think of and our own militia. If there is something you want to see, do or be a part of- there is no need to leave the state border. Our culture is as diverse as our landscape but equally friendly and loyal. For about 24 hours we have been glued to our t.v.'s because Central Texas is burning down. Watching pastures burn up that will result in starving livestock and dramatic grocery price hikes. Watching rail yards burn and highways buckle that will result in the entire nation slowing from transportation issues because our highways are major trade corridors. A family friend in Bastrop has likely lost the house I sold to him when I was a Realtor, he was the best man at my wedding long ago and remains a true and loyal friend post divorce. Another friend who is a cowgirl to the bone has lost her horses. The horses that carried her to rodeo championships, but more importantly, have carried her with  love and friendship through some truly tragic life events. More than livestock- these horses were her friends. Her support. As I am writing this, I received a picture text from my sister in Austin, showing me their church on fire. The church we have all gone to numerous weddings, funerals, baptisms and most recently The Girl's and my Niece's graduation party.

These 3 photos are of Bastrop the City &  Bastrop State Park yesterday and last night. 3,000 acres have burned to the ground and it is still on fire. A total of 14,000 acres so far are gone. All residents were ordered to leave yesterday, most do not know if they have a home to return to. It's unlikely- as the fire has now spread to neighboring counties.

And it's still burning. The 6,000 acre Bastrop State Park is 50% burned- it's still on fire. Austin, Steiner Ranch, Cedar Park,  Pflugerville, Apache Shores and more towns have fires burning. My funny bone is aching for my friends and fellow Texans right now. It is so bad, that we have called all able firefighters  back to duty from retirement, vacations, days off and anyone willing to pick up a house and fight to save Texas. If you are given a chance to help, please do it. If you are in the Central Texas area, get ready to help clear debris, donate feed for livestock and help rebuild your neighbors house, barn and dreams. It's all hands on deck time and you can bet we will all be there ready with shovels, an ear to hear the heartaches and our hands full of dinner and cold drinks.

More of the fires in Central Texas yesterday - and still burning today.

Evacuation Routes:
http://texasstormchasers.com/2011/09/05/live-blog-september-4-5-2011-wildfires/evac_1745/#comment-269

Wanna Help?

Volunteering

• Call Red Cross to volunteer at 512-928-4271

Pets

• Austin Pets Alive has taken in hundreds of animals from Bastrop and other fire affected areas . Go to their site to donate, volunteer, adopt or foster! http://www.austinpetsalive.org/2011/09/bastrop-evacuations/
• Austin Humane Society has taken in hundreds of animals from Bastrop and other fire affected areas Go to their site to donate, volunteer, adopt foster ! http://www.facebook.com/austinhumanesociety 

Where and how to donate

• Email serve@celebrationchurchtx.com to get involved with providing supplies and relief for the families affected by the wildfires.
• Red Cross is taking only monetary donations at this time. Check their website for partnership for food and clothing donation assistance.
• Facebook page taking donations -- though no cash items.
• Faith Family Services in Hutto is picking up clothing- and food donations for delivery to area pantries and organizations in direct contact with victims. They are also coordinating emergency housing with area homes. For more information, email faithfamilyhomes@yahoo.com or call 210-334-1708.

Drop-off locations for donations

• 3434 Yogi Berra Way in Round Rock by the Dell Diamond. You can also call 512-740-6096
• @ACFellowship is staging for volunteer cleanup. Please bring large trash bags, work gloves, bottled water, nonperishable snacks and toiletries.
• Georgetown helps Bastrop victims Facebook page is offering a house drop-off site for clothing, shoes, toiletries, diapers, towels, etc. They are not taking food items.
• Distribution Center for Victims of Bastrop County fires Facebook page has been set up to take towels, washcloths and toiletry items, which said they need immediately.

Evacuee information and phone hotlines

• Hays County evacuees can call: 512-753-2180
• Travis County evacuees can call: 512-974-6199
• For information on Bastrop fires: 512-332-8856 and 512-332-8814

Closures

• All BISD campuses closed.

Twitter hashtags on the fire

• #txfire
• #txwildfire
• #centraltxfires

Artsy Chicks: Water Cowgirl

My Sister can do anything. Literally.  Break both arms and still run cross country. Done. Learn a new language? Done...many times over. Go ahead and add extreme decorating, photographer, painter, professional barrel racer, horse whisperer, surfer, Mom to 8, devoted wife to one and  add globetrotter to the mix. Oh- and she can cook like a pro. I wanted to feature her today because she is an extremely talented artist and photographer- but also because as women go- she has the most giant pair of balls ever. You wouldn't believe the shit she has survived through- nightmare after nightmare- but she still never fails to see the beauty in people. If she wants it, she makes it happen, there is no waiting around for luck in her life. If you screw with her family- prepare to get the ass kicking of your life. A few years ago she and her husband said.,  "Hey , we're moving to Hawaii". And I was like ok how you gonna do that? One year later they landed in Oahu, she sold everything they had, and everything no one else wanted , and off they went. No jobs but a whole bunch of ambition to go live in paradise. She's resourceful and can make cash appear out of the air and turn it into a business and the sweet life. She's way better than me and I could never walk as tall as she does. She is fearless, epic, brilliant and beautiful. I love you Ugs, more than you knw!



Water Cowgirl
http://www.rainwaterphotographyart.com/
http://www.etsy.com/people/watercowgirl
http://www.hawaiisurfbreak.com/



This is in my office. It's got texture, shine and bling- which makes it irresistable to me. When she put it up on Etsy- a shit ton of people tried to buy it right away- but alas- I won because I have major dirt on her!



Weekend Wrap Up: 9.3.11

Picture of the week:

Happy Birthday, Cynie Bugs!!!

I looooovvvvvve you!

Me & my Big Sister Cynie Bugs

Quote:

From Stacey Bell on Skinny Cat Facebook in regards to my posting about some sick ass whorebag...

"NyQuil: The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, holy shit! There's a dragon in my kitchen! medicine." 

Most Read Post:

This thing went viral and racked up 400 hits in 2 hours. Spank you, to the fabulous person responsible for that! I have no idea who is responsible for this but I would love to know so I can dispatch a hot oil nekkid butt rub to you!

More Lies From Mommyland

What's Up For Artsy Chicks Tomorrow:

Tomorrow's Artsy Chick is my Big Sister , Ugs! These are her paintings BUT she also is a photographer, antique collector and jewelry hound. So aren't you lucky that you get to shop her Etsy site tomorrow! Show my sister some love tomorrow!

Bloggity of The Week:
I'm picking my BFF Carrie's blog...it was her birthday on Wednesday and man when I say it was high drama- you have no idea. So go show her some birthday love and a group hug!

Rocker Mom Rambles: I Have Lots To Say About Nothing

Rocker Mom FaceBook Page: How about some likes for the birthday girl!

Holy Shit Snacks!

Holy shit snacks! I just rolled over 15,000 hits ya'll. Fif. Teen! Just last month I hit 10,000. It took me 6 months to get there- and here only one month later-  I have an extra 5,000. I am  always just fascinated that you  guys read the crap that falls out of my head. I mean, I am eternally grateful that my highly intellectual musings and ever expanding dictionary of dirty, amuses you so. THANK YOU! I know, I know, you would rather send expensive handbags and shoes (size 10 please) but you don't trust the mail system so you just click and read to show your affection. I am totally awesome good with that! Seriously, I deep down in my cold rock heart feel warm & fuzzy because you guys keep showing up to help my little dream grow. So thank you, Honey Badgers- I totally fucking love you. And hard!

Thank you , Stalkers:

• 161 of you get sneak previews, chat with me and like me on Facebook...up from 111 last month!
• 47 of you follow me on Google Connect
• 45 of you follow me on Twitter @skinny_cat
• None of you, however, have sent me shoes or a Cadillac. WTF?

Who's Reading:
Ranked from most readers to least. Not least like you're not important, but least as in your friends are slackers and should read me, too. You know I'm kidding, right? Not really. Okay just a little. Maybe.

• United States      
• United Kingdom  
• Canada              
• Germany             
• Cost Rica            
• France                 
• Netherlands         
• Denmark             
• Australia              
• Mexico               
• Portugal              
• Mexico                
• Malaysia           
• Italy  
• Brazil
• China
• Russia
• Malaysia
• Saudi Arabia
• Thailand
• Latvia (ok where is this??)
• Turkey

   

What's Next:
I have a gazillion things I am in the process of fucking up from the books, to the magazine that lets me write for them and fashion. Okay I use "fashion" lightly, it's tshirts and raunchy panties, but I'm gonna call it fashion since hooker heels and sparkly beads will look awesome with it all. I am inspired by the Artsy Chicks so I am tinkering around with my three favorite things: zombies, booze & cuss words. I know! And you're thinking, "Awesome! Christmas ornaments are coming soon!". And you would be totally right. As soon as my ®, ™ and © crap clears I shall share with you. Momma needs some new whore heels so I have to protect myself with these little symbols so I can hit the lotto by suing the fuck out of some douche sewer for ripping me off. Just kidding, I hate lawyers and suing people. Unless the lawyer is Alec Baldwin. Then I might have to love all over him with my lady bits. Sigh, now I need a shower and some wine.

I bet you want to know who won the "Share Skinny Cat Like A Drunk Cheerleader At A Frat Party Contest"! First, let me tell you I have a custom made cuff made by Misti- the awesome jeweler over at The Green Eyed Soul. The Man had it made for my birthday. It is marvelous and perfect and for me only...

Misti will make one for you, too, since you're my peeps and all.

Contact her here:

                        http://greeneyedsoulstudio.com/

               http://www.etsy.com/shop/greeneyedsoul

                    And here is what one of you just won! Customize it to any word you want!

Tracy "Pinky" Taylor  you just won a custom Old English Word or Image necklace! Please email Misti at mistipatnode (at) greeneyedsoulstudio (dot) com to claim your prize. AND please share her links on your FB Page and go like her FB Page: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Green-Eyed-Soul-Wearable-Art-By-Misti-Marie-Patnode/322709233959