Dirty Dictionary

Ass Hat: This specimen has their head so far up their ass that their butt cheeks now serve as their hat. Or a sombrero if they happen to be in a Mexican food restaurant. Ole'!

Ass Monkey: This person can't stand to be wrong, ever have to say "I don't know" or feel less successful  than someone else. Rather than concede that they don't know the answer, they will make shit up so they can sound smart, or better yet, smarter than you. Also fun to punch in the head.

NEW! Crap Hammock: The part of the grocery cart that people plunk their little cootie covered offspring in. It has likely had piss and baby crap oozing onto it, snot and drool dripping down onto the handle and soggy Cheerios crusted under the little plastic flap thingy. I don't think your hand sanitizer can fight that sort of war and neither can your eggs, bread or whatever else you put up there to be "safe".

NEW! Crime Scene: That special time of the month when your lady business shuts down to power wash away left over love and memories of what's his name from your special places. Since a mess is always involved- it is appropriate to wrap your bits in bright yellow police tape, you know, so no one gets hurt or massacred for getting too close to your bloated grouchy ass. And no, there is no "happy" in "period".

NEW! Crotch Creeper: A person that stares a hole into a man's crotch because they were hungry, cock deprived or dreaming of an upgrade. If you spot a dirty whore staring at your man's package- feel free to pimp check her. It's totally within the rules of bitch war.
Douche Bag: Once near extinction, this species is on the rise thanks to Jersey Shore and The Bachelor. Oh yes, their over inflated egos think they are celebrities because we are all watching them. When we are really just waiting to see the  next epic bitch slap battle they are massacred in so we can point and laugh. They are not intelligent or fast- so you can easily catch them and use them as a pinata. A fake baked, hair jelled , sissy crying pinata. A few short moronic comments and a total epic beat down from being a mother fucker.

NEW! Douche Canoe or Douche Nozzle: The male and female version of Douche Bag (see above) because sometimes you have to be specific in the extent of douchery. Picture the naughty bits of boys/ladies and then you will never forget which is the canoe and which is the nozzle. Good luck on erasing that out of your head!

NEW! Fist Boner: When you want to punch some douche nozzle so badly that your middle finger will not relax from thefuck off position until some brutal fucktard beat down has occurred.

NEW! Frankenpussy:  A side effect of child birth born the instant you hear that giant rip, subsequently merging your vagina and cornholio into one giant flesh wound.  As a result of your lady business stretching so much- you can hold one side in each hand and glide like a flying squirrel out of the 5th story hospital room and land safely in the county jail after you have murdered every one in any way responsible for your dirty whore ass getting knocked up in the first place. Bonus- you get stitches!

Fucktard: Not retarded or genuinely intellectually challenged. They know they are about to say or do something truly stupid- yet proceed anyway. They have no sense of self preservation and somehow think they are cute like a bunny while they fuck shit up. Think Anthony Weiner and his epic more entertaining every minute fucktardery. Extra points for the weenie picture.

Jack Hole: A conceited bumbling idiot and the least threatening of all dumb asses. They are a sad excuse for a hybrid. Part jack ass , part ass hole yet 100% useless and fun to punch in the head.

New! Jeebus: Instead of breaking out the JC word (you know the one where Christian's will hand you your ass on a platter then make you eat it?) I say Jeebus. I believe I hijacked this from Carrie. I like to have fun, curse like a sailor and sometimes get a bit of pleasure from pushing the line from hilarious to offensive- but this is one word I won't say. This one and the ultimate heavenly insult: GDammit. Nope- Jeebus is all you get. I don't want to offend anyone on their religion. I also don't want to wake up while being set on fire on my front lawn and try to figure out how to get untied while in a sleepy and fiery haze.

NEW! Maggot Toe: The result of dismounting from my platform bed, catching my tiny baby toe in the frame and sailing into the wall head first (baby toe still firmly lodged in the Ikea bed frame) and then screaming bloody fucking murder,. It is also the reason why I had to give about 10 pair of awesome hooker heels to Carrie because that fat little toe will not show me a little mercy and just squeeze into the fucking show. The maggot toe chronicle is here should you want to see a picture of the frankentoe.

NEW! Man Hole Cover: A tampon or any other feminine product used to mop up your personal crime scene. Since you can probably ick yourself out with a visual, I will skip trying to describe it for you. OK , maybe some of you can't, think cherry Jell-O with cookie dough chunks. You may go throw up now.

Mother Fucker: This can be a  modifier or used alone. Either way it will strike fear, shock and awe in the room with a healthy dose of "WTF is she going to do now" facial expressions. As a modifier- it makes any of the above worse by ten times. Because being a mother fucking ass hat is way worse than being just an ass hat. It's like the cuss word equivalent of a triple word square on a Scrabble board. Use wisely and sparingly...unless you are using it as a battle cry. Then you can say it alot, because it's funny and makes people uneasy and judgemental.

NEW! Mud Whistle: The result of trusting a fart after you have eaten Mexican food or whatever it is that prompts your GI tract to take a puke out of your butt hole.  Similar to a pisshap but chunkier.

Nerd Jacking: While in conversation about any general topic, some over indulged jack hole feels the need to go into a thirty minute sonnet on how (insert any gadget, weather information, hydro physics shit or nerd game here) applies and all of the intricate details that go with it leaving anyone within ear shot flopping around on the floor with their eyes rolled back into their heads and foaming at the mouth because they just dropped dead from boredom. Note: since nerd jacking is closely aligned to being a jack hole- feel free to punch the offending nerd in the head.

NEW! Pimp Check: The act of verbally or physically informing a bitch that she crossed hte line by stepping on your fabulous shoes, creeping on your man's crotch or any other transgression that sets your inner honey badger into a piss and vinegar fit. Failure to pimp check that chick will result in your BFF's beating your ass for being a door mat.

NEW! Pisshap: A accidental pissing that usually follows a sneeze or too much alcohol. Or maybe both if you happen to be me or an over 40 woman. Pissing yourself is bad- but pissing on a 12 year old on a plane is an epic pisshap- just ask the ex Olympic skier. You never want to find yourself on the end stream of this funny but gross "accident".

Whom Alert: A beacon of WTF's that shines loud and burns the retinas of any ass hat that dares to strap on their grammar Nazi arm band and publicly admonish a writer, speaker or anyone else. The whom alert lets every one standing within twenty feet of said ass hat to drop what they are doing and go beat the living fuck out of them. It's only fair- if you dare to publicly embarrass someone so you can look all smart then you get a broken bone. Or two. Because it takes a village to squash  rude ass know it all punks and put them in their place.

NEW! WTF Panties: Pull these on and up (careful not to get a wedgie) when you are about to be shocked & awed by some epic display of stupidity, ignorance and blatant disregard of common courtesy or sense. Think the budget ass hattery that just occurred. It's likely that most tax paying Americans shat their WTF panties that week. Perhaps you still have the trots from that whole mess. Maybe we need plastic lined WTF panties.

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