Monday, August 8, 2011

Maggot Toe & Child Birth: Part One

I am the proud owner of the world's lowest pain tolerance, and subsequently, ability to forget it. Any pain. If I have a hang nail I will cry but yank it off anyway. I know I shouldn't do this because the end result is almost always me ripping off a little strip of skin from my nail bed to my arm pit, no matter how quickly and stealthy I try to pull it up and out. Causing myself even more pain and possibly a staff infection. So you can imagine when I dismount from my platform bed, get my tiny baby toe caught in the frame and sail into the wall head first (baby toe still firmly lodged in the Ikea bed frame) , that I might scream bloody fucking murder and prompt the neighbors to call 911 since I am losing my mind from seeing my once lovely and pedicured toe bent away from my foot in a perfect right angle. Great, THAT'S what it takes for me to remember Geometry? Still screaming, very loudly, and possibly making up new cuss words because I already used the standard set after I looked down to see my mangled toe and try to release it from my bed without the aid of the jaws of life or a blow torch.

5" pointy toed oh so sexy pink
patent Guess stilettos
After I have released my "toe" from the shit factory lady killing Ikea bed, I survey the damage. My toe is   perpendicular to my foot and it is now gushing blood from underneath because I sliced it on some craptastic piece of hardware that I probably didn't completely screw in.  I have an 8 AM meeting and this tragic pedi-disaster has eaten up my get gorgeous time. Now normally I would just grab an outfit and limp my ass to the meeting. But of course the day this all happened, I had a planned outfit that included the debut of a fabulous new pair of heels. My hooker parade is on the brink of cancellation because my toe is swelling! I tape broken toe to the next one with a Band Aid, hop on one foot to my closet, grab the right shoe, bend my toe back to how nature intended it, shove my foot (mother fucking ouch) in and proceed to take a shower with my right leg out. I figure it's a win-win! My toe is being held in position and I get to wear my new shoes! The pressure from the shoe is sure to stop the bleeding, swelling ,and most importantly, the pain. Right?

I hate you back, Maggot Toe!
I last all day in those shoes. My toe must look fabulous because I can't feel it, or anything, on that side of my foot.When I got home my shoe popped right off and my toe wasted no time popping right back out to the right as if to mock me by forming a big "L" for loser. Then it swelled. Immediately. It looked like a giant white puffy maggot with a tiny little head where my toenail used to be until my toe swallowed it up. Ney, not a maggot, one of those giant white slugs you find hiding under the grass. Yeah, one of those. One year later and my hideously ugly Maggot Toe still hurts like a son of a bitch, is three times bigger than my other baby toe and still insists on remaining bent outward. They say you forget pain and healing just takes time but I vividly remember my attempt to amputate my toe, just as I remember every second of that hell wrapped up in a pretty ribbon and called the gift of giving birth and motherhood.... 

Read "Maggot Toe & Childbirth: Part D'Oh!" here!


  1. Ouch. Just ouch!

  2. Oh, girl. That does NOT look good!


  3. oh dear. That toe looks like my right leg pre reduction. You can have that fixed up in no time. The ortho will break it and reset fun. Let me remind you I havent worn heels in 2.5 years. Tomorrow will be the first time..oh joy.

  4. Yikes! Nut I have to applaud you for wearing your awesome heels anyway.

  5. Umm yeah- I think I will skip that rebreak part...i'll just have to learn to love my little Maggot Toe...maybe dress it up like a Chihauha.

  6. I have broken my right pinky toe twice. Hurt like a bitch.
    Mine isn't THAT crooked, but it does bend a little unnaturally.
    Oh, and Chris (from the bungalow) sent me.;)

  7. Yeah- pinky toe breaking is a serious fucking disaster. Mine still objects when I shove it into a hooker heel...but I shut it right up withsome whiskey! Thanks for stopping in to read me- I hope you stay around- the more crazies the better!

  8. I have read the blogs backwards, but tears are now streaming down my face. I have not laughed this hard in a long time! I'm sorry about your toe pain but I'm still laughing from the story!

  9. Well, at least this fucked up toe can provide comic relief!