Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday: It's Not Me, It's You

I have some pent up annoyances and since three glasses of wine, one ice cream bar and a pot of coffee (yeah, I drank it all tonight) have yet to knock me out, calm my nerves or make me ADHD enough to think about something else, I'm gonna have to take a big old bitch crap right here! So step into your WTF panties and prepare to be offended or possibly get a free butt hurt session if you happen to be guilty of any of these:

Third Person makes me enter a new zip code of Crazy Town when people refer to themselves in it. Mostly because when they do that, I always find myself looking around trying to figure out who they are talking to. Then I realize they are talking about themselves and I just stood there for five minutes like a monkey digging a cling on out of her butt and playing eye spy to id the lucky fuck to fling the poo at. This pisses off Skinny Cat (see- annoying). Then I slam it into WTF gear because that is the highest display of snobbery bullshit, like ever. "Joe would like an iced tea", says Joe. Cat is going to kick Joe so hard in the naughty bits that his ball sack is going to swing over his head, launch into the atmosphere and reach weightlessness if he keeps referring to himself as if  he's not present. Don't be a stuck up douche canoe.

Grocery carts cause me angst from the beginning to the end of shopping trips. Which is unfortunate since I  totally love grocery shopping (seriously- I do). First, they are filthy and have more germs than a daycare with a stomach virus and chicken pox epidemic. Why do people put their food in that little part of the basket that serves as a crap hammock for babies? It has likely had piss and baby crap oozing onto it, snot and drool dripping down onto the handle and soggy Cheerios crusted under the little plastic flap thingy. I don't think your hand sanitizer can fight that sort of war and neither can your eggs, bread or whatever else you put up there to be "safe". After a good wipe down with nuclear strength wipes, I keep my basket organized so check out and bagging will be effortless. Frozen, bread aisle stuff, dairy, produce and extra crap (make up, Tampons, dog food, etc.) all have their little space in the cart. So why is it that when I get home- my shit is all mixed up! Why is the 409 with the popcorn and the meat is chilling with the produce? Is the store trying to kill my family with cleaning products or Ecoli? And then there is the business of returning the cart- I walk mine to the cart return, you know, where it belongs. I go ape shit nutso when I see people just leave theirs to roam free in the parking lot. Seriously- your fat ass just walked all over the store,  can you really not return the cart to one of those little prisons in the parking lot? If your cart hits my truck you had better hope you bought some K-Y Jelly because said cart is going to get rammed up your ass by yours truly. Don't be a lazy ape.

 Head sets are for fucktards. If you are driving, I get the whole hands free thing. But if you are sitting in a coffee shop yammering away to the empty space while the rest us give you shut the fuck up looks there is something broken in you or you are a serious attention whore. Nothing more desperately screams "look at me" than having an air conversation with your pretend friend while discussing how much money you are never going to make. M'kay? You look like an ass, you are shitastically annoying and we don't want to hear you bitch about your problems. We're here for coffee/books/groceries/dildos, etc. and you are seriously pissing on our me time. On the subject of cell phones, how about you refrain from texting, answering calls or sending pictures of your crotch while you are sharing a meal, on a date or hanging out with your peeps. That is rude and makes people want to delete you from their cell phone and never talk to you again. Don't be a attention whoring fucktard.

Penis names  ick me out. Please do not speak to your penis or ask me to call it a proper noun. It is not  your pet, your child or a person. It is also not manly or hot. It makes ladies feel like a pedophile when you ask us to baby talk your cock. "Awww does Cat want to hug Mr. Wiggles with her thighs?". No , no she does not. She is now ooged out, turned off and would like to run away and never see your freak show self or creepy talking puppet penis again. Don't be an ass clown and treat your penis like a person.

Just for shits and giggles, I did a little interweb research for you and found a few celebrity penis names- I took a guess at why they picked these names. I guess you need to have one to understand the naming creepiness.

Hugh Jackson- Old James Rodger (Bad summer camp experience?)
Vinny from Jersey Shore- Moby Dick (What a douche canoe!)
John Mayer- David Duke (Um,so,your penis is a white supremacist? What a jack hole!)
Wilt Chamberlain- Big Dipper (I was thinking more like Planned Parenthood STD Poster Penis)
Gary Busey- Big Wednesday (WTF does that even mean..oh wait, it's Gary Busey, he doesn't know either)
Macaulay Culkin- Floyd ( Casting couch gone horribly wrong?)
Owen Wilson- Butterscotch Stallion (I just had a vision of oozing yellow stuff)
Rainn Wilson- The Fail Whale ('Nough said. Next!)

There, now I feel all better having shared my short list of shit that is annoying me today and I can rest. What peeves you off so much you have to drink alot or possibly maybe slap the crap out of someone?

Weigh In Wednesday Week One Results!!!

I dropped from 225.8 to 222.5 (giving me a 1.46% weight loss). Instead of going all ninja on my diet. I decided to make some gradual changes so the weight would stay off , on this, my one millionth diet. This week I greatly reduced my Coke (soda Coke- not Lindsey Lohan coke) and bread consumption. I just focused on those two things and I am pleased with my progress...although I would of been totally happy to report losing 70 pounds last week but that would of required surgery and no wine during I said fuck that crazy business I'll just lose it gradually. With wine and only emotional scars. This week I will attempt to stop eating cheese and dairy- I might start walking if the temperature ever drops below 110.

So contestants- let us all know how you lost weight, your challenges, your disappointments and so on. Basically, please feel free to post your own diet madness and tips in the comments below. If I were you, I would be first and /or most creative. Just sayin'...

Every one lost something- and that is awesome! Great job and Honey Badger High Fives for taking the first steps to making fabulous you even more fierce! Carrie kicked ass- and by that I mean she kicked her own ass- right into loosing 6.6 pounds last week! I am secretly jealous of you Carrie, and hope you enjoy the two bottles of wine coming your way from Spellbound Vineyards courtesy of Austin's own Clay Pit! Be nice a share, would ya!


  1. Douche canoe is my phrase for today, because I, dear friend, woke up this morning in apparently the mood you were in when you posted this last night. Thank you for sending your homicidal rage hundreds of miles... this could get ugly folks

    When does that wine get here? :)

  2. Nawing on my ankles gained me .4 lbs...I quess it was the fat content. Now I am running nekked in the house so when I pass a mirror, the fat modules see them selves and jump screaming to the floor. Oh, there goes one now.
    Good luck Honey Badgers.
    Congrates Carrie, way to go.

  3. I ate mostly fish or seafood this past week - only one time fried. The others were grilled or raw. I have plastered pictures all over of myself when I was one of those flat-bellied skinny bitches I hate today thinking that would help but now I just hate myself. LOL.

    My main obstacle to losing weight are those damn Hardee's sausage biscuits. Nothing else seems to satisfy me for breakfast. Each morning on the way to work my truck invariably pulls into Hardee's where I get a sausage biscuit, hash rounds and coffee. A big bag of butt fat, thigh jiggle and abraded nerves! Help - because even that descriptive doesn't kill the craving! How do I escape their clutches? They are soooo seductively scrumptious and I have never been one to shirk temptation.

  4. Omg!love the erk list! Must stop drinking beer. It is counter productive. Me and my Slim "Slow" is walking in am. Granola and fruit lunch and well TACOS for dinner with grilled veggies.

  5. Way to go ladies!! I absolutely need to lose weight … soooo I'm cutting down my weekday lunch outings –so far down to 1 day a week as opposed to 5. Now you see me brown bagging it to work. I've seen some mini gaps in my pants -no tightness or redness around my waist. Drinking a lot more water & cutting down on sodas. BUT the one thing I know I must do to see considerable improvement (as opposed to working out regularly –duh!) is to shy away from that beer thingy -I just luv it!!! I could never say I would give it up forever (tearing up at just the thought) b/c that is so not me –but definitely need to cut back. I do try to inch away from it from time to time but it easily pulls me back. –lol- It just sneaks up & says “hola, ju looking fur me?” and of course I simply reply “jees”.

  6. I took up running and Zumba, and it's doing the trick quite nicely thus far =)

    Also, I have forbidden the man-creature from bringing home pizza unless it has chicken, mushrooms, or black olive on it, all of which will make me not want it. =D

    See my blog for more details on progress etc.