I have some pent up annoyances and since three glasses of wine, one ice cream bar and a pot of coffee (yeah, I drank it all tonight) have yet to knock me out, calm my nerves or make me ADHD enough to think about something else, I'm gonna have to take a big old bitch crap right here! So step into your WTF panties and prepare to be offended or possibly get a free butt hurt session if you happen to be guilty of any of these:
Third Person makes me enter a new zip code of Crazy Town when people refer to themselves in it. Mostly because when they do that, I always find myself looking around trying to figure out who they are talking to. Then I realize they are talking about themselves and I just stood there for five minutes like a monkey digging a cling on out of her butt and playing eye spy to id the lucky fuck to fling the poo at. This pisses off Skinny Cat (see- annoying). Then I slam it into WTF gear because that is the highest display of snobbery bullshit, like ever. "Joe would like an iced tea", says Joe. Cat is going to kick Joe so hard in the naughty bits that his ball sack is going to swing over his head, launch into the atmosphere and reach weightlessness if he keeps referring to himself as if he's not present. Don't be a stuck up douche canoe.
Penis names ick me out. Please do not speak to your penis or ask me to call it a proper noun. It is not your pet, your child or a person. It is also not manly or hot. It makes ladies feel like a pedophile when you ask us to baby talk your cock. "Awww does Cat want to hug Mr. Wiggles with her thighs?". No , no she does not. She is now ooged out, turned off and would like to run away and never see your freak show self or creepy talking puppet penis again. Don't be an ass clown and treat your penis like a person.
Just for shits and giggles, I did a little interweb research for you and found a few celebrity penis names- I took a guess at why they picked these names. I guess you need to have one to understand the naming creepiness.
Hugh Jackson- Old James Rodger (Bad summer camp experience?)
Vinny from Jersey Shore- Moby Dick (What a douche canoe!)
John Mayer- David Duke (Um,so,your penis is a white supremacist? What a jack hole!)
Wilt Chamberlain- Big Dipper (I was thinking more like Planned Parenthood STD Poster Penis)
Gary Busey- Big Wednesday (WTF does that even mean..oh wait, it's Gary Busey, he doesn't know either)
Macaulay Culkin- Floyd ( Casting couch gone horribly wrong?)
Owen Wilson- Butterscotch Stallion (I just had a vision of oozing yellow stuff)
Rainn Wilson- The Fail Whale ('Nough said. Next!)
There, now I feel all better having shared my short list of shit that is annoying me today and I can rest. What peeves you off so much you have to drink alot or possibly maybe slap the crap out of someone?
Weigh In Wednesday Week One Results!!!
I dropped from 225.8 to 222.5 (giving me a 1.46% weight loss). Instead of going all ninja on my diet. I decided to make some gradual changes so the weight would stay off , on this, my one millionth diet. This week I greatly reduced my Coke (soda Coke- not Lindsey Lohan coke) and bread consumption. I just focused on those two things and I am pleased with my progress...although I would of been totally happy to report losing 70 pounds last week but that would of required surgery and no wine during recovery...so I said fuck that crazy business I'll just lose it gradually. With wine and only emotional scars. This week I will attempt to stop eating cheese and dairy- I might start walking if the temperature ever drops below 110.
So contestants- let us all know how you lost weight, your challenges, your disappointments and so on. Basically, please feel free to post your own diet madness and tips in the comments below. If I were you, I would be first and /or most creative. Just sayin'...