Sunday, July 31, 2011

Artsy Chicks: Talan Foto

I love color and kitchy art so Talan Foto is my go to for prints that make people do a double take! She brings the toys of your kidhood into beautiful technicolor prints that you can giggle at today. I have my eye on the little Dios de los Muertes doggie (did I get that right, Malu?) and the smoking marshmallow pig! Give this lady some love! Shop her site and like her Facebook. Artsy Chicks is all about helping emerging lady artists fly on the wings of their dreams! Michelle Talan is the beautiful sister of my very great friend, Malu! I got a 2 fabulous friends for 1  deal, don't ya think? 



Recognized for celebrating childhood and uniquely bringing artists to life in her her work, Michelle Talan's passion for life and humor is reflected in her work. Having worked with top editorial photographers in New York and now based in Austin, Michelle recently traveled around the country to capture the work and experiences of Latino artists in the U.S. Her "Fountain of Youth" collection portrays images of toys in a unique and humorous way that portrays her approach to life. "You have to laugh often, long and loud to stay young and my 'Fountain of Youth' collection is my way of helping others enjoy every moment by celebrating childhood."

More Artsy Chicks here!

Saturday, July 30, 2011

7.30.11 Weekly Wrap Up

So many of you comment here, on Twitter and the Skinny Cat Face Book page- that I thought I would start making you the super stars! Every Saturday look here to find the Weekly Wrap Up! Check it out to see if I quoted you, posted something you sent to me or just didn't have time to sneak in any bloggity reading time- all of the hilites will be here!

I posted this on FB:  Skinny Cat is sipping coffee and plotting the next step in my total world domination... and Alan Felyk was the first  be sure he secured his seat at the Honey Badger World Leadership table!

    'When you do take over, remember that I always was on your side.

We hooked Linda at fuzebox photography up with a friend who is shooting a zombie movie in Austin. The zombie on the swing is one of our best and dearest friends, Will. You can bet this shot will be in our home. It's a beautiful thing when you can mix 3 good friends and end up with one great day!

Movie: Zombex
Writer/Director: Jesse Dayton (who is also a bad ass musician & singer)

Most read post:
I received lots of private feedback on this- especially about texting replacing talking while dating! The jury is in and that is a BIG lady turn off!

Shoe Porn:

What's Up For "Artsy Chicks: Tomorrow:
You are going to love this photographer's art prints for your office or home! Here's a little sneak peek!

Best Bloggity Post I Read:

Farts are funny- I laugh every time I hear one (not that I fart...I'm a lady). Gross body stuff makes me laugh so I nearly pissed myself when I stumbled across this, the perfect fart position. You know you'll try it!

Thursday, July 28, 2011

A Ruler Is All You Need

I have several recently divorced friends that are dating. A term I use loosely because today's dating is nothing short of Will Farrell meets The Saw. Seriously. If anything were to happen to The Man- I would get nine more cats, a shit ton on wine, lots of batteries and settle in for an eternity of singledom. There is absolutely no way I would subject myself to the crazy monkey mess of lies some of my girls are wading through. I would rather cuddle up with my cats and drink myself into a Fabio fueled romance dream- no games, all of the fun and none of the clean up. For instance:

Communication is a very loose term for the get to know you bantering that happens before you decide to meet face to face. Apparently it's ok to just email, Face Book, text or send a subconscious message. I am totally ok with these things- unless they are the only communication path a new dude will take. Seriously? Is it so hard to pick up a phone and call a lady to say, "hi, how's your day" or "I'm a shit head and bailing on our date at the last fucking minute"? Seems simple, right? What is she going to do to you , Mr. Man,  throw a shoe at your sorry ass through the phone? Possibly yell or maybe, just maybe, her bad ass self will tell you that's awesome that you can't make it because just better dealed you anyway. Communicate directly and use the phone to speak to her, Ass Head. And ladies- if he wanted to talk to you, to hear your voice, to sincerely apologize for his lack of calendar and organization skills or be a stand up guy- he would take one minute to call you and say so. Otherwise- he is a douche nozzle interested in wasting your time and putting you on the back burner like a stale package of Raman noodles he keeps around just in case some other chick cancels dinner plans on him.

Interweb dating is still popular. I don't even buy a pair of shoes on line so there is no way I would pick the dude i'm going to bang for the rest of my life out of the 'this is my awesome picture from 15 years ago when I had a six pack and hair' line up. When I dated, I always found Mr. Next at work or within my social circle. That way, I could observe him when he wasn't trying to impress me, confirm he's not a serial killer (not convicted anyway) and buy his pals and ex-girlfriends enough booze to get first hand accounts of his life, quirks and propensity to be an ass hat. Also as insurance that my head wouldn't be found in his freezer one day because if he puts me out of his misery- that's one less chick to bring the main course to the holiday work/friend potlucks. Granted, I just wrapped up divorce number two, but at least i'm not a lamp shade in some freaks living room looming over his shoulder as he eats my arm and struts around in my Manolos. If interweb dating is your party- then I have to give you props for being braver than me to play in the world of  the only data you get  is what they want to give. Who knows if it's the truth. So proceed with caution, have fun, take what they say with a grain of salt, stalk them diligently on Google and always pack a pistol. And a condom, just in case.

Confidence and hygiene are sort of important. Yet I hear stories of people showing up to first dates  unshowered, bad breath and in machine shop clothes. Sorry, but if that's your 'first date look at me be awesome outfit' then whats the next date's attire? You in your dingy underwear sitting in your shit hole efficiency apartment barking orders at me to fetch the Totino's frozen pizza out of the oven while your unemployed room mate beats off to porn in the recliner? Gosh , that sounds delightful! Same for you, ladies. Wear your classy outfit, do the big shave, wear matching underwear and get your hair and make up in order. One of my friends has a killer go to combination she wears on dates and it smashes hearts at every blink: cute short-but not too short- dress, cowboy boots, bright jewelry, sparkles and perfect make up and hair. Oh, and freaking confidence and a smile that kills the hopes and dreams of any lesser woman in the place. Is she a super model? No, but don't tell her that because she will beat your silly ass into a pulp while schooling you on how being a shiny, sparkly, take no prisoners woman is way more fucking epic than being a cookie cutter, no personality , dime store version of Gisele Bundchen.  So take a page from her dating book- there is no one like her and she will make you cry if you dare say anything but that. See- confidence lets you be wildly successful at dating and squish the competition into a crying ball of snot, tears and mascara. Now isn't that more fun than looking at dating profiles on line or trying to dig yourself out of some crazy man's dungeon?

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Shoe Porn: Sexy Stalking Sandals

Innocent little flower? I think not. I adore these Linea Paola strappy wedge sandals. They have all of the drop dead sexy kitten ingredients: shiny patent leopard, 4 inch heel, strappy ankle bondage.Yet somehow come across as demure and not a trace of hooker. I bought these at Nordstrom's and totally splurged on them because they are so unique AND comfortable. Very versatile from LBD  sexy night out to shorts & t-shirts to happy hour. Happy stalking, Kittens, he'll never know you are about to pounce until it's too late! More Shoe Porn here!

Monday, July 25, 2011



I wish I had some of the things I wrote when I was a kid but privacy in my room or my thoughts wasn't a luxury I was afforded. Often I would stay up late writing my thoughts, happenings and dreams- then promptly flush them down the toilet before they could be discovered and interrogated. I think I would have never been anything but a writer had I had the encouragement of my words to reflect on. To push me forward. To comfort and protect me and buffer me from future catastrophes. As we all find out in life; our destiny is littered with trash to step over, obstacles to maneuver around and tragedies to overcome and heal from. There have been times I was starving and wishing for food. And times I have had a refrigerator full of food, but tried to starve myself into feeling again. I've done plenty to be ashamed of. There are plenty of people who should feel ashamed of what they did to me: rape, robbery, holding a gun to my head and shredding my very being into bloody lifeless confetti. Starting at seven I was on the path to self destruction. If I had been written onto the front pages of tabloids- most would be waiting- hoping- to hear of my death so they could all say , "See, I told you she would die young- she did it to herself- she wasn't strong enough". And that brings me to her. To Amy Winehouse. I have been insanely affected by her death. It's weighed on me since I read about it Saturday and it has been like a  too tightly wrapped scarf since.

Truth, Goodness & Beauty

I don't know her on a personal level- but I remain a huge fan of her talent and that undeniable broken soul that would leap out and grab me every time I heard her sing. I related to her and somehow felt a connection. An "all of the shit we've been through has been fucking awful and evil- but look at us shine and kick ass" connection. The people that should of protected me did not. The people who wanted to protect me could not. It appears that she lived the same reality. In my head- we were kindred spirits. Damaged but in tact. Shattered but functional. A million little pieces held together by sparks of a soul engulfing voice. Her's singing. Mine writing. For whatever reason, she fell into the rabbit hole and never hit the bottom. Even in death, I feel like she is still falling as the press, and seemingly everyone else, is busy tearing her and her monsters down. Where is the compassion for her and why are so many viciously chewing on what's left of her? Is that what I have to look forward to: damages trump talent and goodness in the end?

I love this article from Russell Brand- that shows a different side of her. Friend Amy. Loving Amy. Ridiculously talented Amy. I wish someone would have saved her. Would of stepped in closer to draw her back to the surface and to the light. I can not stand to hear people say she was unsaveable, broken and so easily discarded. People I personally know attacking, pointing fingers squarely at her and writing her off- nearly laughing at her demise. Arrogantly spewing I told you sos and dismissing any traces of good . Had they known me 20 years ago- they would of said the same about me. When you wrap your head around that- you start to wonder who your true friends are. You discover which ribs the compassionate hearts beat behind and which eyes you should hide your demons from. Is it so impossible to give her, anyone, more compassion and empathy. If we can't -if we won't- extend some measure of humanity, then what's to become of the rest of us when we find ourselves falling down a rabbit hole?

Wow, Just Wow!

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Artsy Chicks: Funky, Artsy & Stylish !

Funky, artsy and stylish jewelry! I couldn't believe the detail in her beaded work! She's from Denmark and I adore this jewelry. Quirky, funky, colorful and  she will customize for you. My favorite? The red medallion with the fairy tale frog it it! Perfectly me!

Sum of a Ditch on Face Book
On Etsy

Go show some love!

Face Book:  Sum of a Ditch on Face Book
Etsy: On Etsy


I enjoy making jewellery with lots of colours and smiles!! I usually only make 1 or 2 of each item, but sometimes I make more in other colours. If you are interested in an item, but would rather like me to make it in another colour, I am always ready to do my very best to meet your wish!

Whenever I get an idea for a new design, I think constantly about it and I can’t wait to get the time to make it!! Most of my styles are quite time consuming! I put a lot of time, love and patience into what I do!! The most rewarding thing about this whole thing is when customers return to me and tells me how much they’ve enjoyed my work ٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶
– THAT’s what it’s all about!! ♥


Saturday, July 23, 2011

7.23.11: Weekly Wrap Up

So many of you comment here, on Twitter and the Skinny Cat Face Book page- that I thought I would start making you super stars! Every Saturday look here to find the Weekly Wrap Up! Check it out to see if I quoted you, posted something you sent to me or just didn't have time to sneak in any bloggity reading time- all of the hilites will be here!

Friends in Norway and those of you with family & friends there:

We're all horrified at what happened to you all yesterday. You are in our thoughts , prayers and we send you love and positive energy. There is no excuse for what that nutbag did- deepest and sincerest sorrow we have for you all. Takes me right back to 9-11, I remember how stunned I was and that no one could find a word that can even begin to heal the pain. Know we are wrapping you in our thoughts and hoping you will be o.k. - we will heal along side you. We love you.


This cracked me up! Said by The Man in our kitchen!

"Nude panties freak me out- makes it look like somebody stole your p*ssy".

And so did this from Michelle Lihou in response to me bitching about the pedicure lady using a fucking XOXO CHEESE GRATER on my feet:

"maybe she was saving the bits to sprinkle on her salad later ... ewww sorry, i just grossed myself out, hahaha!

Found these quotes & more on Skinny Cat Face Book


Sent to me by Mandy Martin- who I will get the pleasure of meeting and drinking some slut juice with soon here in New Small Town. She's from here and went to High School with The Man...let's hear some stories about him, Mandy!

Most read post:
Hot & Cheesy WTF Plate

Shoe Porn:

What's Up For "Artsy Chicks: Tomorrow:

Funky, artsy and stylish jewelry! I stumbled onto her through last weeks Artsy Chicks Post! I couldn't believe the detail in her beaded work! She's from Denmark and I adore this jewelry. Quirky, funky, colorful and  she will customize for you. So check back tomorrow and show the girl some love!

Best Bloggity Post I Read:

If you're a single lady, or you need to give your man/lady a user manual so they'll stop fucking up, this post is for you! I re-read it today and I was howling. Shit, see if Carrie will customize one for you then give it to whoever you want to date!

Go show her some love, Kittens!

Rocker Mom Rambles:

Finally- RIP , Amy Winehouse. You will remain one of my all time favorites. I was pulling for you and attending one of your concerts is on my Bucket List. The world got cheated again! I cried when I read the news and your beautiful soul will be horribly missed. xoxoxo

Friday, July 22, 2011

Shoe Porn: Ultimate Honey Badger Hooker Heels

Ultimate Honey Badger shoes! Nothing says get the f*ck out of my way quite like shiny, 7" heel,  platform, snakeskin and studded peep toe sling backs do! These are made by ZigiSoho and are quietly named "Peep". They come in two colors gold, which is what I have,  and a grey color. I got these at DSW for $69.95 ( can you tell I love that store? A good portion of my shoes collection hails from there). A quick interweb search shows them listed from $15 on EBay to $80 at Journey's. DSW may have them on the clearance rack- so I would check there first. They are awesome with dress jeans, a fitted white t-shirt and gold toned hoop earrings and multi length layered necklaces. Happy hooker strutting, Kittens! These babies make it clear to everyone that the world is YOUR runway to strut on!

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Jesus Is Coming...Look Busy

Adjusting to this small town has been insane. Most of the time people are so nice here, that I think I am being Punked. Like any minute Ashton Kutcher will pop out from a tree and say, "Sucker! Noone is this nice!". It's been a battle against my nature to try to conform to the niceness and play well with neighbors. They say things like, "It's hooot out today, isn't it!".  I want to reply with, "What tipped you off? The melted steel belts in the drive way, the burning bush over there or was it the thermometer that exploded off of your window and is now making deals under the bushes with Jesus for some number under 125?". Good thing I had enough coffee to censor my WTF flag  and enough sense to realize I was no longer in Austin because all I said out loud was, "Yep- it's gonna be another day of stayin' inside and drinking wine in my underwear!".

Now that I have been inside that neighbors house- I know why she didn't think that was amusing. They have a large collection of Jesuses on a stick on their walls - and from the reading material strewed about- it appears they are the kind of Christians who don't like a wino living next door. Don't get me wrong- love the neighbor and I am cool with her religion -  I just think if I see her and I have an adult beverage in my hand that I should ditch the drink. I suspect if she sees me too many times enjoying my slut juice over ice- that I might answer the door to a few people offering to pray over me. On second thought- why waste my grapes! I'll just start pulling weeds or washing the car to avert any crisis interventions.

Austin has it's share of nice people, but the Austin vibe has sorta been kicked to the curb by the high speed big city I'm looking out for number one pace. For instance, when I would check out at HEB there, the checkers would barely mumble a word outside of "paper or plastic". Here, they ask you how your day is or are you staying cool in this super nova shit storm of heat and they are genuine in their inquiry. When they find out you're new  to their city- suddenly there is a group discussion on where you need to eat, places you HAVE to see, the Fall football schedule, your job, is everyone treating you well, and so on. I sorta feel a little bit important and pampered with this happens. Unless I have a schedule to adhere to.

Not exactly the directions I was hoping for.

I was at Target the other day and asked the checker where the Office Depot is...

"Can you give me easy directions, i'm new here and would like this to be the first day I don't get lost."

"Oh- where did you move from? Somewhere fun? Hot?"


"Shelly- this lady just moved from Austin to here. Can you believe that? Honey you are going to be boooored here. There is nothing to do but eat out and mingle with your neighbors. And it is slooooow, slow here. Just get on the feeder road, go under the bridge and then go straight away- you will run right into the store."

"Um- any of these roads have names?"

"Yeah- just go under the bridge and turn left at the seen the cows?"

"Yes- by the fire station?"

Oh dear God- this is about to turn into one of those very long shopping trips when all I wanted was this 12 pack of Coke i'm not supposed to drink and directions to the office place. Shit. Now what do I do? Fake a heart attack, pee myself, jump crazy on these people. Speaking of pee- now I really have to pee and I am stuck right here with this someone shoot me now look on my face. Shit crackers!


Another lady in a different line pipes in with, "Ya'll talkin' about those cooows by the station? My grand daddy had too much to drink one night and ran clean into them!"

Chorus in Target: "That was your grand daddy!" Followed by many stories on where they were all at when they heard the news that some old drunk dude mowed down the cows.

Fake cows.

Honey Badgers & Hippies

Kittens, you know what today is , right? RIGHT? Blogger Idol voting is open now - midnight Thursday!
Go Go here to vote now! ! This week's assignment was a little deep for me- like rip off some scars and start the bleeding deep- Why Am I A Writer. The answers may surprise you! I never read the judges comments or the other entries. Never. I don't want them to in any way impact my writing style or change my Blog's course- that can happen with Jedi Judge tricks! So guess what I did today- I freakin' read the comments- just out of curiosity! WHY did I do that! So now I am thinking I really need your votes this week. So help a Honey Badger out- go read and see if you agree with the comments- post a comment there or here- or both. I am dying to know what you- my loyal Kittens think about this weeks post! Vote from your laptop, desktop,phone whatever. Kittens & Honey Badgers represent! *Throws a bad ass gang sign your way*

Last week's Blogger Idol Post with Blogger Chris @ From The Bungalow!

Chris writes about life in his 1950s bungalow: special needs parenting, step-parenting, and observations and conjecture about life in general. He often bares his soul with his raw, honest approach to making connections with his readers.

All that is on the menu at How to Skinny a Cat is truth served with a side of butt hurt. A bloggity on turning 40, weight loss and the train wrecks I like to call my daily walk through WTFville.

The two of us may have the most dissimilar blogs out of everyone in this contest. But in talking over the phone, we felt like we were kindred spirits. Our content and voices may be different, but we both believe that unapologetic honesty is the best policy. It was absolutely a pleasure and a riot talking with each other, and our conversation carried on way beyond our interview questions:

This is Cat.
Turbulence, indeed!

Cat: You are the Blogger most unlike me- what did you think when you found out you were stuck with me this week?

Chis: I wondered if it was really random! After I read your blog I thought, "Funny, super honest--I like it."
Chis: But what's with the honey badger references? Are you comparing yourself or other women to what some consider to be the craziest, most fearless animal on earth?

Cat: Yeah, in a way. How that cultivated is there's this video on YouTube called honey badger don't give a shit or something like that (The Crazy Nastyass Honey Badger). Have you seen it? You have to be an ornery, take-no-prisoners type chick to be a honey badger.
Cat: Speaking of crazy animals, aliens or zombies?

Chris: Zombies! They're the walking dead and eat brains for Christ's sake! Aliens have agendas that are years in the making. I think I have a better chance of survival in a zombie apocolypse than I do an alien invasion. Zombies just wander around moaning, looking to eat brains. No agendas, no plans. Grab a shotgun and take some heads off. Everyone knows that's how to deal with a zombie.
Chris: You've undergone some very big life stressors in recent months: finalizing a divorce, quitting a job, moving to another city with a new partner and becoming an "empty nester." How do you cope?

Cat: Xanax and whiskey! I totally believe in medicating oneself and making it better. This is what happens, and you roll with it. Some things are out of your control. You can choose to roll with it or be run over by it. You have some stress in your life, also, with a new fiancee and stepson to mesh with.

Cat: When you get to the finish line and your kids are 18, what's the one thing you want them to be able to do so you can feel like you succeeded as a Dad?

Chris: That's a hard one to answer. My oldest son has special needs. I'd like for him to live as independently as possible. For the other two, I want them to be critical thinkers. For example, when they ask me for a toy, I'm happy to buy it, but I want to know why they want it. If they say because so-and-so has one, that's not good enough. I want them to be able to form an argument and be able to discuss it. I also want them to be able to appreciate the little things in life. To me, God is in the details. I want them to be able to pick up on subtle nuances like knowing what the air smells like right before it rains. Things like that.
Chris: You're a parent. In my favorite post of yours so far, "A Soft Place to Fall," you paint a picture of an incredible woman: your daughter. You show a deep appreciation for the person she's become. How do you account for raising such an amazing human being?
Cat: Taking beatings, man. Actually, I'd say I always listen to her. I always talk to her, It doesn't matter what it is. Sometimes it's naked sexy time questions. I don't hold anything back. I think that's good for her. Plus, she's heard a lot from me and my girlfriends. She shouldn't be too surprised when she goes off to college. She's been forewarned by many an angry woman. If she's got something she thinks is going to horrify me, she'll say, "Mom, grab a glass of wine and let's sit on the patio," and I think, "Oh shit, here we go. Better grab the whole bottle." It's a reality check. Do I want her to have a clear picture or am I going to cloud her vision with rainbows and unicorns.

Cat: You know, that makes me think- If you had to be on any reality show, which one would you pick?

Chris: I don't watch much TV, and I usually hate "reality" shows because they're so far from any reality I know. I did get sucked into Celebrity Apprentice this season because of my fiancee and the human train wreck that is Gary Busey, so I guess I would be on that one.

Cat: Who would you most want to be on Celebrity Apprentice with?

Chris: Sarah Silverman. I have an unnatural crush on her. She's hilarious and hawt and I would have her babies if roles were reversed.

Cat: Who would you not want to be on the show with?

Chris: Oh, who's that nasty political writer? Ann Coulter. Bleh.
Chris: By the way, how are your boobies? (Can I ask you that if I'm on "Team Stix?")

Cat: Yeah, you can. Everything came out, wait, are you asking me in a ♫bow chicka bow-wow♫ kinda way, or about the tests?

Chris: Um, tests?

Cat: OK, so not in the baby oil kinda way. I have to show up every six months and do it again; make sure they haven't grown horns or anything. Everything is ok, it's part of the deal when you turn 40.
Chris: I did notice a shift in your blog. I think it's important that we let our blogs evolve organically and let them follow where life takes us. Did you start your blog as a weight loss journal?

Cat: I was going to be a vegetarian and I thought, "I bet there are a lot of people out there who don't want to eat farm animals." But after a few posts I said, "screw that." There's all kinds of crap that happens to you when you turn 40. The blog started morphing into that. I was like, "Holy shit, look at all these tests I have to take!" It's hard work, though.
Cat: What's the hardest part about Blogging for you?

Chris: Knowing what's worth writing about. A lot of times I'll think a topic seems too obvious, but then you write about it and get a positive response. Also, writing meaningful posts; not just churning shit out. I can't please everyone. I know I won't be able to appeal to 80% of the population, but I'm not trying to make a living out of it. I have to stay true to my own writing style.
Chris: I thought your piece about dairy products was good, and I've switched to almond milk myself, but the thing that stood out to me the most was the phrase "put on your WTF panties." Your writing is filled with these little, oddly descriptive phrases. How do you come up with this stuff?

Cat: I'm talking to girls mostly on my blog. I know my demographic. We like to say things like, "Put on your big-girl panties." Why not have WTF panties? I talk with girlfriends and we're all honest with each other. Sometimes punches are thrown, but that's where the creativity happens.

This is Chris: Hippie, nerd & that other big word.

Cat: You have to know who you are, so describe yourself in three words, Chris!

Chris: Nerd, hippie, pantheist.

Cat: I knew you would use a big word! Everyone will just have to Google that last one to get to know you better!

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Kitchen Cat: Chicken Vinda Who

With this fabulous new to me kitchen- I have vowed to cook more. I would post a picture but there are still boxes everywhere. I would rather you see it as pristine, shiny and perfect- see it the way I see it. The Man has me addicted to Indian food- and wouldn't you know it- that's the one kind of food we can't find in New City. I would flag down an Indian- but I haven't seen one of those either- to which I say- WTF! Eating out here is the big social scene. Seriously- that is what we do to see each other, mingle and gather the latest gossip. It's like my dream city come true! We went to the only healthy food store here, Natural Grocers, and stumbled upon a spice mix for Chicken Vindaloo. Vinda-who, you ask? Vindaloo is a curry sauce that is flavored boldly with vinegar, garlic, ginger and chilies. Nom, nom , nom! So here's how you make it this fabulous dish in ONE pan in under 20 minutes. Seriously, from scratching the package open to the table in under 20. Awesome I say!

Open your bottle of wine. Pour a glass and drink it. I prefer Sutter Homes Sweet Red. I never used to drink wine- I prefer whiskey- but The Man insisted I try this wine. I did and am now addicted. Not I need meetings and milestone medallions addicted- but it's my fave one step drink addicted. Carrie calls it cheap slut juice and I guess I now understand why The Man likes me to drink it. Half a bottle later and i'm on the back porch in my panties trying to get The Man to come out and play.  Brownchickenbrowncow!

Gather your ingredients: Sukki's Vindaloo Curry Sauce, some thin cut skinless boneless chicken breast and a cup of water for the main dish. A package of Naan bread and a package of microwave brown rice because your ass can't eat white rice without creeping into the next zip code. All of this costs about $12. Twelve! In a restaurant- this would of cost us nearly $40 for both of us.

Dice your chicken and toss it in the pot. Squeeze your Sukki's out onto the chicken and pour your water over it. Mix, cover and bring to boil for about 3 minutes. Stir- let simmer for about 10 minutes until the sauce thickens and all of the cooties are cooked out of the chicken. Pour yourself some more wine.

Cook your naan, one slice at a time for 30 seconds. If you want to break out a second pan- heat up some olive oil and toast each piece on naan after it comes out of the microwave for 10 seconds on each side.  Tada! Crunchy on the outside- warm and chewy on the inside- just like at your favorite Indian restaurant! Throw your rice in the nuker for three minutes. Then go put on pants because you're eating at the table tonight and noone wants to see your crotchless panties. This time. Add naan, rice and oh so spicy vindaloo chicken to your plate and dive into Yumville!

Monday, July 18, 2011

Missing Mayhem

We are finally somewhat settled. And by somewhat I mean, there is a clear path from our bedroom to the bathroom and to the kitchen where the wine lives. If we are reasonably awake or sober- a small obstacle course around a few large balancing on the brink of destruction boxes and over a sharp cornered book shelf, a book shelf that has left many a bruise on my thighs this week,  is all that is between our tired asses and two clear spots on the sofa. This is especially dangerous to The Man if he happens to be streaking through the house after a shower. I don't know why we want to sit there, though, we can only see the top portion of the 56" t.v. because the bottom half has junk our valuable possessions piled in front of it. Which makes porn viewing exceedingly unexciting because all you can see is the cheap whore house red taffeta curtains and the top of some chicks head on the screen. Well, I think that's what you would see because we wouldn't be watching porn. Not on that t.v.

We are having a blast though. Truly. Well, after we adjusted to the 105 sun gone super nova temperatures at 9:30 in the morning. That was not fun- it is still not fun. It is currently 106 and I am not leaving the house until someone invents an all body cooler or the sun explodes. Now that we are back amongst the living- and not missing the mayhem of too big for it's own good Austin- we are settling in nicely. So nicely in fact I had a positively out of body neighborhood experience last night- if I were religious- I would swear to you that Jesus set the whole thing up to prove that Small Town is the best town to live in. It started with the piano tuner across the street. He and his adorable blonde headed troop of three daughters knocked on the door and presented us with a chorus of "welcome to the neighborhood", cards made by the girlies and a plate absolutely to die for delicious home made brownies.

The plate was full- we had to eat a couple to be nice.
And then breakfast happened today.

Then I was out watering the lawn because we realized it was our day this week to water. I see our next door neighbor, we meet, and stand there chatting as if we grew up together. We decided that since we both looked like a mess at that time- that we get a pass to always look like a mess with no questions asked. I knew I would like her because she had a cold beer in her hand. So did I. As the sun began to drop and the wind cooled, the cicada started chirping. I haven't heard that music in forever- and even though we had to talk loudly to hear over them- the cicada calls were enjoyable and welcome. You won't believe what was next- the piano tuner starts playing his banjo on the front porch and another neighbor walks over to join him. Can you believe that miracle? Neighbors actually talking to each other and bringing baked goods over just because? Holy shit- this really does still happen in America! It's so perfect there is no way my twisted mind could make it up- I do declare I love this place! Where the hell is Norman Rockwell when you need him to sketch a picture!

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Artsy Chicks: Filigree Fairy Tale

Kittens, you know I am over the moon excited to decorate my very own writing office. I have been searching all over the place for whimsical thingies to go with my pink, chocolate and chandelier decor (oooh so fancy!). I love steam punk and fairy tales so I was freaking shocked and awed to find the perfect artist to sprinkle in my Skinny Cat den! From polymer clay sculptures (how do they get a pattern on that stuff) to paper dolls (I haven't seen those in forever) to a Fairy Tale Newspaper  that is delightful, dark and frame worthy! Feast your eyes on The Filigree!

Shop Bio:
We are husband and wife team, Martin Obakke and Celena Cavala living just outside Nashville on a small town square. We are self-representing artists and everything we create is sent directly to you from our studio. Martin does the illustrating and sculptures while Celena sews & writes the world they live in, the Fairy Tale Newspaper. We're inspired by the invisible world, imagination and the points in between that we refer to as The Filigree; thin, gossamer strands that connect everything.  We hope to bring Inspiration to you & your Life!

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Wednesday, July 13, 2011

I'll Have The Hot and Cheesy WTF Plate

Last week The Girl, my neice and I spent a marathon four days painting the new house in New City. We worked hard- chain gang hard- painting all rooms. The A/C wasn't quite in working order and one day was 106. One hundred and six! I don't know about you guys - but when I paint from 7 AM until 2 AM the next day- I tend to get a little crabby and a lot hungry. Maybe the other way around. As a little treat- I take the girls to The Olive Garden. Now I wouldn't usually count that particular pasta establishment as a "treat" but in New City it's one of the few choices and hot garlicy breadsticks were sounding pretty good about then! We get there and the pasta God's were smiling down on us because there was zero wait! Onto the booth and in short order the bread sticks and cold drinks are on the way! We receive cold drinks and equally cold breadsticks. Holy crap- please don't let this be a trend! The girls order, then I order...

"I would like the lasagne!" Hot, cheesy oh so bad for my thighs lasagne!

"We're out of that."

"What? You're a pasta place- how can you be out of lasagne?"

"We don't have any thawed out and it will take 45 minuntes to thaw and cook. Would you like to order something else?"

Seriously? WTF? Now I know I am hearing shit- did she just say my lasagne is FROZEN? I don't know about you guys- but if I am going to drop $60 plus on a meal- I want there to be some Italian guy chained to a stove fucking hand making my lasagne- otherwise- I would of just bought a family sized box of Stouffer's.

"It's frozen!?!?" with a you better tell me the truth or I will ass rape you with this cold breadstick look.

Terrified waitress says, "Well, no. The Chef makes it- then freezes it."

"So. It's. Frozen."

Waitress walks away quickly. The Manager arrives soon thereafter to explain the miracle that just happened in the kitchen. Surprise! A mystery pan of hot lasagne was just found in the oven. Jesus must of put it there because he knew hell and the apocolypse was about to break out in The Olive Garden and end the world forever!

"Awesome. I will take the microwaved frozen lasagne, please".

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Junk Scratching: Have To or Want To?

While surveying the domestic situation during the holiday weekend, I noticed something interesting. No wait, I mean irritating. Regardless of where we were, men where enjoying themselves. Relaxing, eating whatever they wanted, laughing, checking out chicks and generally tuning out anything that could be an unwelcome distraction. You know: chores, screaming children, dogs in the pool, trash on the ground and so on. Women were not. They were refilling plates, icing beer, trying to keep children from drowning, taking care of trash, and working. Oh, and trying to stay pretty. Should of known that was a no-go since it was 102 degrees outside and we're sweating our asses off running around feeding everyone and trying to look perfect for them. Holy shit snacks! No wonder i'm always tired. They immediately sit and rest when they get somewhere and we get busy with a chore.

I'm not saying men are lazy- I am just observing that they seem to truly know how to enjoy themselves- to focus on the moment and let the buzzing background noise fall away. Women seem to think it's selfish  if we just sit and enjoy ourselves, that somehow we need to be hostess, Mom and janitor in order to prove we are worthy. What would it be like if I were a man for a day? I would enjoy food so much more. I would tell calories and fat to go fuck off while I stuffed my head with ribs, beer, potatoes, and gravy. My man metabolism would save my ass from the lying son of a bitch scale that lives in my bathroom and my man stomach would be able to process the menagerie of grilled farm animals and beer I feast on during my leisurely hours long grazing. If I need to blow my butt trumpet or take a T-Rex sized crap that clogs the only toilet in the house, that's acceptable and funny because I am a guy today. The other guys will high five me and give me beer. Maybe let me slap their wives on the ass. 

 Men generally spend 37 minutes from shower to the front door compared to my 60 plus minutes to get from the shower to the closet. I won't spend fifteen minutes balancing on one leg while trying to shave the other and making sure I whack all of the hair on my knees, thighs and bikini area- while trying to not slip on soap and crash down in the shower like a manatee jumping off of the high dive. I will blissfully skip another thirty or so minutes trying to gauge my water weight gain versus which clothes can accommodate me and then no doubt having to call an emergency conference with a BFF so she can assure me I am not a large sea mammal but a beautiful, curvy woman who really does look awesome in stretch pants and a mumu.  Not today, though. I am going to take a quick shower, play with my dangly bits and slip on my jeans and flip flops. I'm a guy - so I am going scruffy and shirtless today. I have stuff to do today.

First up, I will catch up on my TiVo goodies. It's a good thing I have 5.5 hours of me time since I have been recording shit to watch for four years. I have been busy working, cooking, cleaning, doing homework with kids and shuttling the little bastards angels around every waking hour that my me time has been limited to the rare minute I have to go to the bathroom. I need to see what the new bar-b-que pits look like, maybe get some new socks or sunglasses then stop by a happy hour or two to catch up with the guys and stare at  hot chicks.The thing I will love the most about dangle day is just being and not have a gazillion  to-do's nagging me.

I'll be sure to scratch and adjust my junk alot because that seems to be a man must. I will finally be able to solve the mystery of is the junk arranging a want to or a have to. I imagine most women would want to know what sex feels like from a mans perspective. Not me- no thanks- if I wanted to do that many push ups I would have used my free time to exercise! Plus, i've already diddled myself in the shower and have been handling my mini me all day long. I will wrap up my man day by indulging in the 8.5 hours of sleep men get. WTF? They get more than four hours of sleep everyday? Can I be a man for a week? I may never leave bed at all. Hopefully, there will be some hot lady type in the  house to bring me beer, make my meals and give me a sponge bath everyday.

I originally posted this last week on the Blogger Idol site, on to round 3 ....

Sunday, July 10, 2011

I'm Baaaack! Have I told you lately that I love you? Because of you- I am in round 3 of Blogger Idol! Is that bitchtastic or what!!! I've been in New City painting our new house. It was fucking 109 degrees there! Holy fuck ya'll- my hair is a wreck!
I am toiling away at a new post for you today: Olive Garden made me want to set it on fire, I learned a lesson in being a good small town neighbor and also learned that next time I go camping in a vacant house for 4 days- I will remember to bring my coffee pot. I had ONE- 1- Uno- Fucking One cup of coffee while I was there. I'm surprised I didn't make it onto the national news under the headline of "Honey Badger Goes Ape Shit Crazy And Burns The Town Down".
That and this weeks Blogger Idol assignment is a twist, a challenge and  high risk. Two of us will be kicked to the curb like dirty hookers this week. Gah- like this week isn't stressful enough with meeting The Girl's boyfriends parents today, squaring her college stuff away tomorrow, Blogger Idol assignment and Bad Girl's Happy Hour Tuesday, packing and cleaning Wednesday and then  moving 300 miles away on Thursday. Nope , no  stress this week- just lots of whiskey and coffee. Lots.

Thursday, July 7, 2011


Day 2 in New City...painting and whipping the yard boy are on the menu. No internet yet and the selfish neighbors have password protected their wireless signals. What's a girl gotta do yo get some free interweb around this place!
One last thing- there's a brand new post for you- from me- on Blogger Idol today. It will post here on the Blogger Idol site at noon Central. Pretty please vote fo me- you don't want to see me cry- it's very ugly. And I throw shit. Not crap shit- but anything I can pick up and launch shit!

I hope Brad Pitt is my lawn boy and that the road trip ends
a little happier. Should- since we're inhaling paint and floor
fumes all day.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011


I am traveling to New City today, Kittens, to inspect the new floors and slop paint on the walls of our new home. I thought I would dig up one of your favorite posts "Does This Target Make My Ass Look Big". No doubt some of us , me, are feeling this way when we see the fucking bikinis hanging in every shops window and draped on itty bitty perfect behinds.

One last thing- there's a brand new post for you- from me- on Blogger Idol today. It will post here on the Blogger Idol site at noon Central. Pretty please vote fo me- you don't want to see me cry- it's very ugly. And I throw shit. Not crap shit- but anything I can pick up and launch shit!

I love Target. There, I said it out loud and informed the Universe. Hopefully the Target God is listening and will send some freebies my way. And by freebies I do not mean bathing suits. Please. Unless they also throw in a family sized bottle of Xanax. And sedatives. The people I live with will need both because if another damn bikini crosses my path I will shriek high enough to shatter all glass anythings  and bring air liners crashing from the sky within a 5 mile radius, pace endlessly muttering curse words to myself and force Mr. Man to lock up all available ammo. Stop laughing. Like you love bathing suits.

Anyway, so I went to Target at lunch to scope out some Easter offerings for The Girl,The Man, The Crabbit & The Dog. In my head we (me and all of my personalities) decided we would buy a little candy but make most of the basket stuff cute pens, socks, t-shirts and chew toys. Because after all, I AM trying to lose a whole person in weight (-11.4lbs. as of this morning, thank you very much) and a mountain of Peeps is not what I need stalking me at home. See, I was all prepared for the Willy Wonka gauntlet I was about to run with a plan and the right attitude. On top of that, the sun is shining, the unicorns and butterflies are out  and what could possibly go wrong with today?

Two steps into the Target and the dark clouds roll in, an emotional earthquake shakes my nerve and I think I just peed myself. Or spilled my coffee on myself. Doesn't matter, a wet crotch is a wet crotch and there's nothing to be gained by trying to explain away the wet spot. Who. The. Hell. Put those bikinis directly across from the fucking Cadbury Eggs?

I look to my left and there are chocolate bunnies and eggs, Peeps, Reese's everythings, M&M's, cookies, and cupcakes. Everything possible to make my ass as big as one of those giant pink blow up gorillas you see on car dealerships. To my right, floral this, nautical thats and sparkly red others. Two piece, one piece and uni pieces. All in sizes I am fairly certain my ankle will not fit into. Really? Are they serious? Hey Target, if ever you want to taunt me into a full on postal attack followed by an epic emotional break down, just stop selling cute flip flops ok? Or simply ask me to have a freak out. What kind of sick bastards arrange merchandise like that?  I feel like I have instantly been dropped into the retail version of The Saw. Choose wisely, or you might meet a nasty painful demise in the dressing room. Thanks Target, you officially suck.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Beyond The Fireworks & Hot Dogs

If you know me- then you know I am a die hard American. I love this Country. These United States of America are the most free on the planet Earth. Over this weekend - when we are celebrating those very freedoms- let's not forget to think of our Army, Marines, Navy, Air Force, Coast Guard and National Guard fighters- who volunteer to put their asses, dreams and lives on hold and on  the line- so we can enjoy our selves, pursue our dreams and unapologetically build our lives exactly as we want them.  Thank them. Offer them a hand, a hug.

I know I am going to make a few international readers mad today. Know I am not hating on your Country- I am just expressing my love and devotion for mine. I know we are not perfect- we have our issues for sure. I don't like our current administration- and I am referring to all of the lying scuzzbags in D.C.- not just Obama. I don't like some of the things we are doing in this world right now. But I can say that , and all of the other things I say here, because this country stands for freedom and liberty. No one is going to show up at my door and stone me for my blog or expressing my political views. If they should try- I also have the freedom to protect myself with words, fists or a .357 Magnum.

Even though we have freedom of speech- I don't necessarily agree when people use it (but that's ok- it's their right). For instance, over this holiday weekend I have heard two people say they hate this country. Hate their country. I am always truly amazed when people- especially women- say they want to leave here and live elsewhere. Maybe it's a romantic notion and they have some weird fantasy that they can act exactly as they do here- anywhere. Nowhere else can you speak, be, learn, work, excel financially, build a business, vote for leaders, choose our doctor, own personal and real estate property like we can. Today in the grocery store- a woman was talking to her companion and said, "I hate the US I just want to leave and live in another country". Uh oh. You know I said something, right? "Well, let me buy a ticket for you then. Seriously". Perhaps to Syria, Libya, Iran or some other country that says women are chattel-  property to be owned, raped and killed. Maybe to one where they don't have a grocery store because there is no food. She was shocked- how dare I. How dare she.

There are so many people coming here in droves from every country to taste the land of the free. So I say to anyone wanting to leave this country because you hate Her, because you do not love Her, honor Her and feel grateful for your unbelievable luck to have been born to Her- give up your spot. Give it to an immigrant who risked life and limb to get here, left their families and roots- just to have a shot at the American dream. A shot at any opportunity you choose to make for yourself. Give up your freedom and liberty to a woman who spends every hour in a burka and being beaten and raped by her husband so she can feel warm sunshine on her skin and heal her spirit. Give it to a child in a foreign orphanage who just needs a chance to blossom into the next great American scientist, engineer or artist. To have the opportunities that are afforded us. To have the luxury of just being. Let them live here, work here, build here and be party to our foundation and community. Let them have a shot and you can take their spot in whatever oppressive place they came from. Then tell me how bad it is here and how much you hate this Country. My Country.

If you have never taken the three minutes to read our Declaration of Independence, do it now. If you have, read it again. Then thank your God, your Goddess,  your chicken, your troll doll, your lucky stars or whatever- because here- you are free to worship whatever and whomever you like. Thank the universe that you should be so lucky to have found yourself in the land of the free. The home of the brave.

IN CONGRESS, July 4, 1776.
The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.--That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, --That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.--Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.
He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.
He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.
He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.
He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.
He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.
He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.
He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.
He has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary powers.
He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.
He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harrass our people, and eat out their substance.
He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures.
He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil power.
He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:
For Quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:
For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:
For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:
For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:
For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of Trial by Jury:
For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences
For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies:
For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:
For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.
He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.
He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.
He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to complete the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.
He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.
He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages, whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.
In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people. Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.