Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Junk Scratching: Have To or Want To?

While surveying the domestic situation during the holiday weekend, I noticed something interesting. No wait, I mean irritating. Regardless of where we were, men where enjoying themselves. Relaxing, eating whatever they wanted, laughing, checking out chicks and generally tuning out anything that could be an unwelcome distraction. You know: chores, screaming children, dogs in the pool, trash on the ground and so on. Women were not. They were refilling plates, icing beer, trying to keep children from drowning, taking care of trash, and working. Oh, and trying to stay pretty. Should of known that was a no-go since it was 102 degrees outside and we're sweating our asses off running around feeding everyone and trying to look perfect for them. Holy shit snacks! No wonder i'm always tired. They immediately sit and rest when they get somewhere and we get busy with a chore.

I'm not saying men are lazy- I am just observing that they seem to truly know how to enjoy themselves- to focus on the moment and let the buzzing background noise fall away. Women seem to think it's selfish  if we just sit and enjoy ourselves, that somehow we need to be hostess, Mom and janitor in order to prove we are worthy. What would it be like if I were a man for a day? I would enjoy food so much more. I would tell calories and fat to go fuck off while I stuffed my head with ribs, beer, potatoes, and gravy. My man metabolism would save my ass from the lying son of a bitch scale that lives in my bathroom and my man stomach would be able to process the menagerie of grilled farm animals and beer I feast on during my leisurely hours long grazing. If I need to blow my butt trumpet or take a T-Rex sized crap that clogs the only toilet in the house, that's acceptable and funny because I am a guy today. The other guys will high five me and give me beer. Maybe let me slap their wives on the ass. 

 Men generally spend 37 minutes from shower to the front door compared to my 60 plus minutes to get from the shower to the closet. I won't spend fifteen minutes balancing on one leg while trying to shave the other and making sure I whack all of the hair on my knees, thighs and bikini area- while trying to not slip on soap and crash down in the shower like a manatee jumping off of the high dive. I will blissfully skip another thirty or so minutes trying to gauge my water weight gain versus which clothes can accommodate me and then no doubt having to call an emergency conference with a BFF so she can assure me I am not a large sea mammal but a beautiful, curvy woman who really does look awesome in stretch pants and a mumu.  Not today, though. I am going to take a quick shower, play with my dangly bits and slip on my jeans and flip flops. I'm a guy - so I am going scruffy and shirtless today. I have stuff to do today.

First up, I will catch up on my TiVo goodies. It's a good thing I have 5.5 hours of me time since I have been recording shit to watch for four years. I have been busy working, cooking, cleaning, doing homework with kids and shuttling the little bastards angels around every waking hour that my me time has been limited to the rare minute I have to go to the bathroom. I need to see what the new bar-b-que pits look like, maybe get some new socks or sunglasses then stop by a happy hour or two to catch up with the guys and stare at  hot chicks.The thing I will love the most about dangle day is just being and not have a gazillion  to-do's nagging me.

I'll be sure to scratch and adjust my junk alot because that seems to be a man must. I will finally be able to solve the mystery of is the junk arranging a want to or a have to. I imagine most women would want to know what sex feels like from a mans perspective. Not me- no thanks- if I wanted to do that many push ups I would have used my free time to exercise! Plus, i've already diddled myself in the shower and have been handling my mini me all day long. I will wrap up my man day by indulging in the 8.5 hours of sleep men get. WTF? They get more than four hours of sleep everyday? Can I be a man for a week? I may never leave bed at all. Hopefully, there will be some hot lady type in the  house to bring me beer, make my meals and give me a sponge bath everyday.

I originally posted this last week on the Blogger Idol site, on to round 3 ....


  1. This is by far my favorite post. I have always asked my husband what his need to grab his junk every five minutes was all about. His only answer, it's a man thing. Well, no shit-for-brains, I don't have a mini me to know the man thing. I'm thinking its more of a want than a need.

  2. By far my favorite post yet! I don't get the junk adjust either. I believe they just feel like they were getting neglected and needed a little love tap for a second. I can't believe how much sleep men get. Absolutely ludacris!