Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Jesus Is Coming...Look Busy

Adjusting to this small town has been insane. Most of the time people are so nice here, that I think I am being Punked. Like any minute Ashton Kutcher will pop out from a tree and say, "Sucker! Noone is this nice!". It's been a battle against my nature to try to conform to the niceness and play well with neighbors. They say things like, "It's hooot out today, isn't it!".  I want to reply with, "What tipped you off? The melted steel belts in the drive way, the burning bush over there or was it the thermometer that exploded off of your window and is now making deals under the bushes with Jesus for some number under 125?". Good thing I had enough coffee to censor my WTF flag  and enough sense to realize I was no longer in Austin because all I said out loud was, "Yep- it's gonna be another day of stayin' inside and drinking wine in my underwear!".

Now that I have been inside that neighbors house- I know why she didn't think that was amusing. They have a large collection of Jesuses on a stick on their walls - and from the reading material strewed about- it appears they are the kind of Christians who don't like a wino living next door. Don't get me wrong- love the neighbor and I am cool with her religion -  I just think if I see her and I have an adult beverage in my hand that I should ditch the drink. I suspect if she sees me too many times enjoying my slut juice over ice- that I might answer the door to a few people offering to pray over me. On second thought- why waste my grapes! I'll just start pulling weeds or washing the car to avert any crisis interventions.

Austin has it's share of nice people, but the Austin vibe has sorta been kicked to the curb by the high speed big city I'm looking out for number one pace. For instance, when I would check out at HEB there, the checkers would barely mumble a word outside of "paper or plastic". Here, they ask you how your day is or are you staying cool in this super nova shit storm of heat and they are genuine in their inquiry. When they find out you're new  to their city- suddenly there is a group discussion on where you need to eat, places you HAVE to see, the Fall football schedule, your job, is everyone treating you well, and so on. I sorta feel a little bit important and pampered with this happens. Unless I have a schedule to adhere to.

Not exactly the directions I was hoping for.

I was at Target the other day and asked the checker where the Office Depot is...

"Can you give me easy directions, i'm new here and would like this to be the first day I don't get lost."

"Oh- where did you move from? Somewhere fun? Hot?"


"Shelly- this lady just moved from Austin to here. Can you believe that? Honey you are going to be boooored here. There is nothing to do but eat out and mingle with your neighbors. And it is slooooow, slow here. Just get on the feeder road, go under the bridge and then go straight away- you will run right into the store."

"Um- any of these roads have names?"

"Yeah- just go under the bridge and turn left at the seen the cows?"

"Yes- by the fire station?"

Oh dear God- this is about to turn into one of those very long shopping trips when all I wanted was this 12 pack of Coke i'm not supposed to drink and directions to the office place. Shit. Now what do I do? Fake a heart attack, pee myself, jump crazy on these people. Speaking of pee- now I really have to pee and I am stuck right here with this someone shoot me now look on my face. Shit crackers!


Another lady in a different line pipes in with, "Ya'll talkin' about those cooows by the station? My grand daddy had too much to drink one night and ran clean into them!"

Chorus in Target: "That was your grand daddy!" Followed by many stories on where they were all at when they heard the news that some old drunk dude mowed down the cows.

Fake cows.


  1. OMG- I know where you live!I see those cows everyday! I have to meet you!

  2. Well, um, are you an ax murderer? Not a person that murders axes...but one who murders WITH axes? Any sort of murderer is bad- come to think of it- if you're that kind of crazy then I live in Wasilla next to Sarah Palin. If not- and you're a cool person- then I am so down with meeting you!