Thursday, August 25, 2011

Fist Boners & Douche Canoes

Time to update the Dirty Dictionary! Here are a few more must haves in your weapons grade vocabulary. It delights me to no end when some jack  hole jumps up and down waving his idiot flag in front of me and begging me to administer a verbal beat down to his head. It's extraordinarily fulfilling to accidentally on purpose let one of these slip out and watch some ass wipes passionate debate screech to a silent halt as they try to figure out A: Did I just really say that out loud a B: WTF does that mean? I share this with you, so you may also know the great pleasure of squishing ass hattery to a messy and silent end. You are welcome!

Crap Hammock: The part of the grocery cart that people plunk their little cootie covered offspring in. It has likely had piss and baby crap oozing onto it, snot and drool dripping down onto the handle and soggy Cheerios crusted under the little plastic flap thingy. I don't think your hand sanitizer can fight that sort of war and neither can your eggs, bread or whatever else you put up there to be "safe".

Crime Scene: That special time of the month when your lady business shuts down to power wash away left over love and memories of what's his name from your special places. Since a mess is always involved- it is appropriate to wrap your bits in bright yellow police tape, you know, so no one gets hurt or massacred for getting too close to your bloated grouchy ass. And no, there is no "happy" in "period".

Crotch Creeper: A person that stares a hole into a man's crotch because they are hungry, cock deprived or dreaming of an upgrade. If you spot a dirty whore staring at your man's package- feel free to pimp check her. It's totally within the rules of bitch war.

Douche Nozzle or Douche Canoe: The male and female version of Douche Bag (see below) because sometimes you have to be specific in the extent of douchery.

Douche Bag: Once near extinction, this species is on the rise thanks to Jersey Shore and The Bachelor. Oh yes, their over inflated egos think they are celebrities because we are all watching them. When we are really just waiting to see the  next epic bitch slap battle they are massacred in so we can point and laugh. They are not intelligent or fast- so you can easily catch them and use them as a pinata. A fake baked, hair jelled , sissy crying pinata. A few short moronic comments and a total epic beat down from being a mother fucker.

Fist Boner: When you want to punch some douche nozzle so badly that your middle finger will not relax from the fuck off position until some brutal fucktard beat down has occurred.

Frankenpussy:  A side effect of child birth born the instant you hear that giant rip, subsequently merging your vagina and cornholio into one giant flesh wound.  As a result of your lady business stretching so much- you can hold one side in each hand and glide like a flying squirrel out of the 5th story hospital room and land safely in the county jail after you have murdered every one in any way responsible for your dirty whore ass getting knocked up in the first place. Bonus- you get stitches!

Maggot Toe: The result of dismounting from my platform bed, catching my tiny baby toe in the frame and sailing into the wall head first (baby toe still firmly lodged in the Ikea bed frame) and then screaming bloody fucking murder. It is also the reason why I had to give about 10 pair of awesome hooker heels to Carrie because that fat little toe will not show me a little mercy and just squeeze into the fucking shoe. The maggot toe chronicle is here should you want to see a picture of the frankentoe.

Man Hole Cover: A tampon or any other feminine product used to mop up your personal crime scene. Since you can probably ick yourself out with a visual, I will skip trying to describe it for you. OK , maybe some of you can't, think cherry Jell-O with cookie dough chunks. You may go throw up now.

Mud Whistle: The result of trusting a fart too soon after you have eaten Mexican food or whatever it is that prompts your GI tract to take a puke out of your butt hole.  Similar to a pisshap but chunkier.

Pimp Check: The act of verbally or physically informing a bitch that she crossed the line by stepping on your fabulous shoes, creeping on your man's crotch or any other transgression that sets your inner honey badger into a piss and vinegar fueled fit. Failure to pimp check that chick will result in your BFF's beating your ass for being a door mat.

Pisshap: A accidental pissing that usually follows a sneeze or too much alcohol. Or maybe both if you happen to be me or an over 40 woman. Pissing yourself is bad- but pissing on a 12 year old on a plane is an epic pisshap- just ask the ex Olympic skier. Or Mr. Depardieu. They know all about it! Safety Note: You never want to find yourself on the end stream of this funny but totally obnoxious and unsanitary "accident".

Whom Alert: A beacon of WTF's that shines loud and burns the retinas of any ass hat that dares to strap on their grammar Nazi arm band and publicly admonish a writer, speaker or anyone else. The whom alert lets every one standing within twenty feet of said ass hat to drop what they are doing and go beat the living fuck out of them. It's only fair- if you dare to publicly embarrass someone so you can look all smart then you get a broken bone. Or two. Because it takes a village to squash  rude ass know it all punks and put them in their place.

WTF Panties: Pull these on and up (careful not to get a wedgie) when you are about to be shocked & awed by some epic display of stupidity, ignorance and blatant disregard of common courtesy or sense. Think the budget ass hattery that just occurred. It's likely that most tax paying Americans shat their WTF panties that week. Perhaps you still have the trots from that whole mess. Maybe we need plastic lined WTF panties.


  1. I think once your list has enough words, you need to print a dictionary. It would be a best-seller!

  2. If I do- you shall recieve and autographed copy and a picture of me peeing in my tub :)