Thursday, August 18, 2011

Clerical Errors & Body Cavity Searches

After a nice brunch, and by brunch I mean margaritas and queso, with my good pal Carrie we decided to go shopping in a nearby small town. It wasn't a long drive but since after the shopping festivities were over, we would have to go opposite directions,  we both jumped into our respective Beasts and moved our happy asses over to the mall. Now, I had never been to this mall so I was proceeding cautiously through a zig zagging fubared excuse of a road and that is when Johnny Law saw me. He was staring at me while he passed me, I knew I was having a great hair day  but damn, don't be a creeper! Then his lights started flashing and he did a u-turn that landed him squarely behind me, subsequently setting off a most unfortunate series of events.

I drive to the parking lot. Carrie parks one car away and then my phones buzzes to life with a text, "WTF? Can't we go anywhere without a cop pulling us over?". I can't text back because the nice officer is walking up to the side of my truck and politely asks me if I know why he pulled me over. Just as an aside, why do they ask that? Do I get a free pass if I get the answer right, maybe a high five? "No Sir" I answer. He proceeds to let me know that my inspection and registration stickers are both expired. He walks back to his car to verify I'm not a Mexican drug runner in the computer. Another text comes in and I let her know what the deal is. Then , "Cry. Just cry when he walks back up there and tell him your sad story. Cry. NOW!". And so I cry and drive off with one warning and one ticket that is only $20. Whew! Thanks goodness for blond hair and water on demand! I pay the ticket online the next day and all is well. That was in March.

 In June I receive a cute little post card from that sweet little city , "Hi! A warrant has been issued for your arrest for failing to appear and pay your traffic ticket". What. The. Fuck. I call and explain when I paid it and how. They say everything is fine, sorry for the scare and all but I have nothing to worry about. I don't know about you all but when my freedom is on the line and I may find myself in some crap little jail dressed in horizontal stripes on a Friday night, well I take action to avoid that whole fashion disaster.  I sneak into that city and go directly to the mall/courthouse/library/police station (not kidding- it's all in one place). I explain my dilemma to the Deputy Clerk and he lets me know it appears my payment has been posted to someone's account, just not mine. I offer to just pay another $20 to be sure- he refuses to take my payment again. The voices in my head say, "Bitch that's awesome but don't you think we need something in writing in case you mow over a street sign in your truck and attract the attention of some bored cop in the parking lot?". So I request something in writing and I am grateful I did because in July, a week before I moved, I thought I better go check on this issue and make sure it's clear. It's like de-je-fucking-vu! Same song- second verse! We go through it all again- yep still researching it, you're fine, no we can't take another $20 , you don't have to worry, we probably won't arrest you and so on. Probably? I give them my cell, my email and my New City address to make sure they can find me to tell me this is clear. I call them once we get moved and it's all taken care of. Whew!

Fast forward to last week. I went to change the address on my driver's license and was told I can't because I  have an FTA hold. I am sure I looked puzzled because then the nice Texas Trooper standing there with his big gun and shiny handcuffs begins to explain that an FTA hold is a Failure To Appear, which is essentially bail jumping. WHAT? Oh shit- this is so going to go horribly wrong because I am 100% sure that I am about to get tossed into the pokey. By the looks of some of the people hanging out there, it is not going to be anything like those 1960's prison pajama party movies! I pull out my giant file of all things related to this epic paperwork fuck up and show them what Ass Hat Deputy Clerk gave me.  I am relieved to report that the Trooper let me go and told me who to call. After DAYS of getting a recording, I finally get through to Ass Hat and he giggles because, golly, he was just looking at my file because they accidentally turned me into the fucking DPS  warrant system for Failure To Appear, Bail Jumping and Failure to Pay. I'm sorry, how the hell did I jump bail if I was not arrested and ordered to post bail in the first place and I have a signed paper from their court saying I paid my fine and it was all a clerical error.

 I am assured that this has all been backed out of the system several days ago. " No, no it has not because I was at DPS yesterday and they informed me of this mistake that should have landed me in jail so can you please double check?!?!". He checks and guess what everyone? It was not transmitted. Really? I just told you that, you fucking retarded government ass munching lazy baboon!   I quietly wait while he fixes my file, sends it to DPS and then emails the proof to me. But wait, although my problem is now fixed, Ass Hat has now done something that I think is entirely illegal and an epic breech of confidentiality (and if you know , please feel free to comment). The proof he sends me is a screen shot of his monitor. Yes, it shows that I am finally free and clear but it also shows the name, birth date, driver's license number and docket numbers for six other people. People I don't know, but I know they probably wouldn't want information like that sent to a stranger via email that can be printed, posted on the internet and shared. If that is not bad enough, it also tells me if they were convicted. I'm still speechless.

Oh but there's more! A day after I posted this...guess what happened!


  1. That is fucking scary. And law enforcement bureaucratic fuck ups are quite common. I had to bail out a friend once who got arrested because the mis-entered someone else's SS# on a warrant as his. He spent most of the night in jail while I desperately ran around from judge to court and hell and back trying to get a property bond to get him out - all this at 3 am in the morning. Took months to get it straightened out.

    Very happy your adventure did not get this harrowing.

  2. Omg, i have a great coach bag and pumps to go with your stripes!! To top it off i also have a Jr deputy badge for accessories!

  3. Keep those papers with you Honey Badger, for the next 10 years...seriously. Same thing happened to me in way back when. Took years to clear up, so keep them with you.

  4. I would like to know where that I can never go there!