Tuesday, May 24, 2011

What Are You Trying To Say Exactly?

I don't know if it's Spring or maybe people looking forward to Summer vacations but holy shit alot of them are jumping stupid these days! From stretch pants lady to extra super dumb asses on the road- folks are just yammering away and begging for an ass beating! There a few  of them in my office. These people leave a slick trail of inappropriate comments, insults and bewildered WTF's behind them. Usually when they say things that make my manners jump Ship Cat and run away on fire- I fix them with a stern look. Fake smile, head cocked to the side and one eyebrow locked and loaded as if to say, "Mother fucker you have like 5 seconds to say ooops, kick yourself in the man sack and remove yourself from my eye site or I will dish out a verbal ass beating to you that will be so epic that Jesus won't want to be near you in case the butt hurt is contagious". I don't have to do this much- I reserve it for REALLY dumb people. Like the Ass Hat that mistakenly thought I invited him to comment on my reading material yesterday.

I read alot. ALOT. It's an escape mechanism for me plus it inspires me. Sometimes I read a little fantasy to be inspired to think differently and dream. Sometimes I accidentally select a bad short story which inspires me to write because if that book is sold at B&N's then I am so fucking going to be published! Most of the time I read political material. I love politics. I don't care which side you wet your panties over- just be able to hold an informed conversation about it and engage in a little verbal arm wrestling now and again. And by informed I mean your information comes from a source other than your lying candidate (mine lies, too...they all do) and the main stream press (they all just regurgitate the scripts the liars give to them). One of my favorite publications is Foreign Affairs. This little publication takes you to school on uprisings, policy, economics and world affairs as they apply to America. It's not skewed one way or the other - it's a "here's the information now go apply it" type magazine. Enter Ass Hat- or as I now call him- That Guy That Avoids Me.

I don't know if it's that I have boobies, that I have blonde hair or maybe that I sit at the front desk- maybe that is the trifecta of strike outs that can only equal stupid. News flash for him: the blonde and boobs- well those are epic and I suspect he's just jealous that he is not The Man. As far as my job goes- and I hate to have to feel like I have to defend it- but it's easy, a strict 40 hours a week and I am not busting my ass and giving up my free time anymore for anyone's business but my own thank you very much so I am essentially a highly paid Receptionist. I am ok with this because while people like Ass Hat are here until 8 PM, on call 24/7 and working through holidays on tech support duty- I am  anywhere but at work enjoying the sun, some wine and generally living it up. For the same amount he gets  paid (insert evil laugh here) . Who's winning now- Jackhole! I don't know- but I do know this- a certain someone here will never make that assumption again. So there I am , minding my own business in the kitchen sipping a delicious cup of free coffee and reading the latest edition of Foreign Affairs...

AH: "Are you reading THAT?"

ME: "Well, i'm not just staring at it."

AH: "I didn't picture you being the type that would read about foreign policy and politics."
Me: "Oh?" (You can picture that look described above now)

AH: Blink. Nervous Twitch.

Me: "You picture me doing things? Like reading Good House Keeping and ironing man shirts?..."

AH: Silence

Me: "Maybe reading Cosmo and cooking fabulous pot roasts?"

AH: "Never mind, I just..."

Me: "Just what?"

AH: " I thought maybe you were more into the royal wedding than world politics"

Me: "So what do you think about Israel reverting back to the 1960's border?"

AH: Blink. 

Me: "How about the pending sanctions against Syria?"

AH: Blink blink. Looks at ceiling.

Me: "How do you feel about Germany's immigration dilemma in comparison to ours?"

AH: "Uuuhhhh." Looks around- nope- no witnesses and no paramedics here- " No comment?"

Me: "Perhaps you would better enjoy discussing mufflers, swim suit models and jock straps?"

AH: Leaves kitchen...never to be seen again.

I am so glad he was stumped because I had not yet read the article on Syria.  But I will still count the day as a win for Team Lady Bits!


  1. Sheila Saul24/5/11 2:42 PM

    that was amazing. you're so AWESOME!!

  2. Lady, I think you and I were separated at birth. Pssst... don't tell my Momma!

    I, too, am a high-paid receptionst/Happiness Officer. I, too, am blonde wit boobies. I, too, work a 40 hour week among those who work up to 60 and are on call. I, too, do not suffer fools. I know Carrie is your BFF but may I be runner-up? I look good in a tiara. :)

  3. "Wit boobies". - damn wonky fingers and phone qwerty

  4. I love the "youre smarter than you look" comment. Really!? cause im smarter than your man ass and youre still ugly.

  5. BWAHAHAHHAHAH!! I came across your blog completely at random, and I've been laughing my ASS off. Screw diets, I am just gonna read your blog from now on!! I HATE Asshats!!!

    I wish I had the proverbial balls you do to stand up and say the things I am thinking:

    "yes, you are right. I can't be doing ______ because these boobies render me incapable doing anything other than sitting here looking pretty...fucknut!"

  6. Welcome Sheila & Claire! Thank you for the support! The more bad ass bitches - or as I like to call us- Honey Badgers- the better!

    And fucknut?? Bwaahahahahaa!
    I am SO going to use that!