Ask & You Shall Possibly Regret That You Did

First- check this out! Blogger Idol Top 12 announcement. I nearly pissed myself waiting...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dzHh0L3Iwx4&feature=youtu.be



I like getting questions from the bloggity readers. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. Most times. There are few that make me get all pissy and ready to fight- but since those pussies usually post anonymously and I can't smack them with a stiletto- there is not much I can do to them except post their questions here and hope you all bitch slap them in the comments. Fuckers. Yesterday someone posted a couple of good questions about a brat on a skateboard and which comes first- the art or the post- so I figured it's time to start answering them and others I have received. I spent a few hours today digging through comments and emails and came up with a few interesting ones to add. Ask and you shall receive and possibly regret that you did. You have been warned.

I once saw a kid at a HEB paddling himself on his belly on a skateboard through the meat department. Would like to know what your reaction would have been.

At first I said I would find his parents and put them in check. But after my pot of coffee kicked in and I had a shower- I pondered on this more and it comes down to this. It depends on my mission. You see- I love grocery shopping. I know, that's odd, but I do. I prefer to go alone so I can take as long as I want  reading labels, looking for coupons,  sampling cheese and on really good days- sampling wine. If that little shit kid was scooting about on one of these particular zen days- I would totally lose it. I would find his parents and tell them to get their wonderful child on his feet and acting right before "someone" accidentally on purpose drops a handful of mini gum balls in his path and he busts his head on the tile thereby making him scream and instantly killing my wine sample buzz which would undoubtedly result in a 911 call to remove me from the store. I seriously would. But- if I was just there on a quick in and out errand- I would give the kid the stink eye and move on. Maybe trip him. Accidentally, of course.

Do you make up the comments on the Blunt Cards or serendipitously find the appropriate ones?

Nope- I write about crap that's on my mind, things I see or topics the Honey Badger's bitch about at happy hour. Once I have my outline I turn to my good friend Google and start searching for images. Blunt Cards happen to be brilliant and their writers pretty much cover every shitty thing you can imagine. They, along with SomeEcards and Natalie Dee, are my go to's if I need a hilarious and applicable piece of art. Just as an aside- they don't pay me- I just admire their creativity. I keep a journal with me at all times to jot down stupid people tricks and annoying happenings. Sometimes funny stuff I see but mostly shit that makes me cuss.

Do you really think you are funny? I think you are rude.

Well- I'm not trying to be funny. If I was- I would be a comedian not a blogger. I'm just surly and honest and have no filter. Wait- are you that bitch from Starbuck's that chipped my toe?

Why don't you discuss politics?

Don't you get enough of that on the news? No- ok here is my stance on politics:

• I follow world news and so on and have pretty strong opinions on the current matters at hand. I spend alot of time reading in order to clarify the shit the news likes to label as news. 
• I am a card carrying Libertarian. We have a Constitution and a Bill of Rights and if we would just follow them- we would still be the great epic country we are meant to be.
• I hate politicians- every last one of them. 
• I love the NRA, I am a member and I own guns.
• I don't hate Republicans, Democrats or Liberals. I don't agree with them but at least they stand somewhere and are involved in the process and vote.
• Anyone that doesn't vote should have to pay an idiot tax every time they complain about policy and the direction or nation is sliding.
• Government has no business up in my lady business.
• Your religion doesn't belong in my Government.
• I hate to see the flag burn but also know that's a First Amendment right and it should be protected.
•  I absolutely hate the overly PC world we live in- if people would just be more straight forward with one another- we would all treat each other better and I wouldn't have to cuss at people in Office Depot.
• There you go- that's what I think about politics. Ugh- my buzz just killed over.

I can't believe you have friends- how do they put up with you?
Um, wow. Angry Douche Nozzle, line 1!

Are the shoes on Shoe Porn yours? Do companies give them to you?

I so wish someone would give me free shoes! Are you there Bandolino, it's me, I Need Free Shoes Cat! Yes, so far, they are all shoes I currently own. I have over 100 pair of high heels and  I don't know how many sandals, flip flops and so on. Yes, I know it appears to be a problem or  addiction to some- but the only issues I see is that I need more. I suppose there are worse things. Just ask Anthony Weiner and John Edwards. Just in case I wasn't clear- feel free to send new free shoes to me. Used shoes freak me the fuck out. Size 10, please.

Religion?
No thank you. I'll have some whiskey, though.

Have you always been so great with annoying/rude/inconsiderate people?? Please, teach me?! :)

No- I used to just think things inside my head- but now I say them. All of that pent up anger made me fat, have high BP and generally pissy. In November of 2010- it nearly killed me. Literally. My BP was 199/89. I should of died- but Satan wasn't ready for my particular flavor of bat shit crazy so I just stayed in the ICU for a bit. Then I decided, fuck it, I am just going to start venting my issues immediately. Kick them out on to the street. That's one reason I started blogging- I needed a place to barf out the yuck. One of the first regrets I had when I thought I was toast, is that I didn't let the true me be seen. So here I am- being awnry and cussy and loving every word of it. It feels good. Sometimes my friends move to another table and pretend they don't know me- but that's ok- sometimes they smell.

Anymore questions?

Post them in the comments and I will answer them here today- even if you post anonymously :)
If you are going to be a rude m*ther f*cker- then post your address, too, so I can send a bouquet of hot dead fish to your sorry ass.