Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday: I See Skinny People!

First, please welcome Hollie to our little contest!

I'm a married mommy of two who is currently working full time and back in college part time while also being active in the community and trying to find time to erase the 10... er... 50? er... 150 extra pounds that have crept on like so many snowflakes during a blizzard.... mmmm.... Blizzard... Dairy Queen sounds great right now- Which is my problem.  I need to finally focus and get these pounds off of me so that I can be a good role model to my little boys and be able to wear the divalicious clothes that I've always wanted to- a bonus is that I'll actually be able to have full length pictures of myself visible on Facebook, although I've mastered the art of UN-tagging myself.  Additionally, my husbands family is comprised of stick-people and It would be nice to be a stick person along with them.  To carve off 25 pounds from my 5'5" frame during the remainder of this Fall Fabulous Contest I'm going to return to the gym and those spinning and Zumba classes I used to love so much and not go through Starbucks for a Venti Mocha Frappuchino afterward... mmmm... Starbucks.

Please review the deadlines for weigh in here :)
Here we go....

 this weeks winner is.....


Oh, and Cay, you just won these custom earrings from EMCJewelry!

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Why I Had To Piss In The Bathtub

This week has been kind of craptastic- I mean that both literally and figuratively. Aside from having to dig 63 years of other people's crap out of the old toilet, I managed to fall off of the back patio, wearing only my idea of pajamas and thank goodness the kids are in school otherwise they may have received a lesson in what not to wear outside. Awesome- swollen bruised ankles are sexy. My sprained pride, however, not so much.

We have wrapped up the always fun unpacking portion of our move to New City and have stumbled onto the home improvement comedy act part. I totally dig this part- having flipped a few houses and fixed up rental properties- I can tell you I heart power tools, landscaping make overs and all of the mess that goes with a fixer upper. We just built book shelves that look like they were built into this house 63 years ago. The Man and I did it in a day without bickering and trying to nail gun each other into silence.

No threats of break ups or domestic violence where lobbed during this build!

Perfect right? We were feeling all kinds of epic! There was tons of  fist bumping  and  'you're awesome, Baby" celebration going on! Woo hoo our little 1948 bungalow is going to rock and make all of the other houses hide in the shade from shame and jealousy. So we go about the business of clean up and then we're going out to dinner because we deserve some rock star treatment. So we start taking the tools, compressor and materials out to the giant shrine to testosterone shed that The Man had built in the back yard. Seriously, it's a man garage and is about two stories tall. There's a giant don't tread on me flag & nekkid Harley chicks on the inside and a giant warning no trespassing sign on the outside. Hope the neighbors can't read it from their side of the fence. So I commence to take crap outside and promptly fall off the step, twist my ankle on the uneven rock and land on my ass (my ass that is only covered by cute little panties) all while managing to look like all of the The Three Stooges at once. I break my fall with my wrist which was a totally fucktarded stunt considering those fucking rocks are sharp. I look up and catch The Man mid giggle , he sees that this may be the part of the project that I possibly hit him with a hammer and promptly helps me up to console my scratched and bruised bootie, twisted ankle and sprained pride.

The sign & the offending porch that will soon be ripped out.

Last night we decide to reseat the 63 year old toilet because it's all wonky and tries to buck you off while copping a squat. This should be an easy 30 minute job. Drain, turn off water, unbolt, replace wax ring, reattach and turn on water. Eleven horrific hours and no less than six trips to Home Depot later, we have a new toilet. First, it's a toilet from 1948 and trying to use today's hardware to fix it is like trying to write a blog without the interweb. It's not happening. On the last and final attempt to salvage the "vintage" commode, we decide to remove any obstructions that are preventing the new wax ring from seating. The Man lifts the fucking toilet and I get the job of reaching in and clearing debris. No, not debris and old wax rings. But there is black, oozing, sticky, horrifying muck that smells like dead rotting road kill ass. I remove it all and promptly run to the other side of the house to wash my hands, breath in fresh air and avoid barfing my taco dinner up all over the newly stained hard woods. The toilet will still not seat so we go buy a new one and commence to making the bathroom functioning again. And because falling on my ass and hand scooping shit wasn't bad enough, I had to pee in the bathtub because our one and only bathroom had a nonfunctional toilet for eleven hours. If you read this blog, you know the cat follows me to the bathroom all of the time. So I couldn't discretely pee in the bath tub and preserve some measure of pride and humanity because staring up at me was the cat with a judgemental WTF look and The Man was trying desperately to catch me in the act. With a camera. Thankfully, I don't have a picture of that to share!

Monday, August 29, 2011

Shoe Porn: Perfectly Proper & Sassy

Steve Madden always gets his shoes perfect and is a close second to my favorite designer. This is the "Klenn". I have it in this floral pattern and also in military khaki. Sassy, sexy, slingback, cork (real cork- not the printed faux cork) 4" wedge heel. Sports a 1" inch platform making it a comfortable pump in disguise. My favorite part is the very girly and frilly fabric on the toe and there are tons of colors in the print that make this little shoe able to match just about anything. I bought mine at DSW at the beginning of Summer for $79.95. Lucky for you , Summer is dwindling down and shoe stores are shoving sandals out the door to make room for boots (I can't wait). A quick Google search for "Steve Madden Klenn" yielded awesome prices starting at $24 and free shipping from Zappos. Go get yours now- in your choice of 5 colors & prints!

I couldn't decide which shoes to show you today, the pretty floral or racey hot pink, so there's a bonus Shoe Porn for you here!

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Artsy Chicks: Tinder & Bloom

My cell phone and  gadgets are homeless. If I need to pack them all up , they are hidden in my carry everything I own sized Coach bag. That's sad- but I hate the cases that are offered up for gadgets! They are either black, black nylon or craptastic cheap plastic mass produced hot messes. I want something artsy, unique and not stamped "Made in China". I have finally found exactly what I have been looking for: beautiful, leather, limited and hand crafted. You won't believe these works of art are phone cases! My favorite? The wolf and the bird- although I would happily carry any of these!

Tinder & Bloom
Recovering Fine Arts graduate. Maker of fine things. Influenced by my Turkish, American, and Japanese cultures. Strong belief in quality well made creations that are beautiful, functional, and durable. Quality and attention to detail being my highest priority. Currently working in leather and utilizing my graphic design skills to create fun and functional leather accessories. I am a crafts person, I enjoy crafting well made objects, getting to know my material on an intimate level, collecting shiny sparkly things,and decayed patina'd things with a story. Putting it all together. :-)

More Artsy Chicks here!

Saturday, August 27, 2011

8.27.11 Weekly Wrap Up

From Christina Rudofsky... "like you need an excuse..."
In response to my FB post on 8/23...see it here!


We went on a little road trip Thursday & Friday to see more of West Texas and stopped in at Palo Duro Canyon. I would love to go back to this place and rent a cabin in the park, hike around and hang with my girls. No cell phones, no internet and no boys! If you haven't been here- plan a trip. It is stunning.

Most Read Post:

What's Up for Artsy Chicks Tomorrow:
Creations that are beautiful, functional, and durable... these gadget cases are amazing!

Best Bloggity Post I Read:
One of my fave Bloggers is Daddy Knows Less. If you haven't checked out the shits & giggles there, well, you are missing out! I totally pissed myself laughing at this Dude Looks Like A Lady

Friday, August 26, 2011

Second Helpings

Hi Kittens! I am traveling today so here's a second helping of Driving Ms.Crazy! I thought this would especially be worth a re-read with all of the fucktarded back to school drivers on the road! I'll be back tomorrow with the Weekly Wrap Up!


I don't know about your city but my city requires driving. To go to work, grocery shopping, eat out or get a cold beer- there is a commute involved. Austin is just not designed to skip out of your front door and go buy groceries and a bottle of wine at the corner store. Whatever you want is usually at  least 15 minutes one way but most times more. The only good news about our infrastructure is we don't have to do the walk of shame home. We have the drive of shame and if you happen to have a tall truck with tinted windows- no one on the road needs to know you are a dirty whore. It's rude to stare anyway in Texas. We will talk to the neighbor about your slutty ass arriving home at 7:30 AM in yesterday's clothes, though. At least put your shoes on before you try to sneak into your front door...I said you were a dirty whore not a Democrat. 

With all of this driving and several hundred of me on the road mixed with barely legal 16 year olds, monster truck driving rednecks and yuppies in gerbil powered Smart Cars- you can imagine the possibility of a road rage freak out is pretty high. Especially if you happen to be in my truck. With me. You wouldn't see what I see because you would be crouched down in the passenger side making deals with God to be a better person and adopt 100 retarded pit bull puppies if he would only let you live long enough to get out of my truck- or at least let you escape with your sanity. So I will tell you what you would see if you didn't have to worry about crapping yourself and maybe possibly passing out in my passenger seat.

Just for perspective. This is Austin traffic on a good day.
It's a good day because there is actually space between the cars.

Please pay attention to the road and not your newspaper, book, cell phone, video game, gay ass Nook, brat kids, vibrator or your food. Rule number one of driving, after you make sure last night's happy hour is long gone , is to check your mirrors. See that giant SUV that could scoop you up and use you as a hood ornament with the raged out blonde lady that looks like she is cussing at you in sign language? That's me. Put down the fucking newspaper, pay attention, put your foot on the long skinny pedal on the right and move your ass out my way. That's a green light in front of you and that means "go" in most countries. If you wanna read, take your ass to the library or back to school. If you can't read, well, then  get  off of the road because there are words on giant green signs all over the place giving directions to your dumb ass but you probably don't know that because you're always busy making an omelet or reviewing your E Harmony matches in the front seat.

Signs actually mean something. They are giving you directions to keep your stupid self alive. Read them. Shit- you really don't even have to be able read , come to think of it. If it's red, stop. If it's yellow , slow your roll and look around then proceed with caution. If it's green then stop fucking around with your radio and move your sorry ass or I will honk loudly at you and maybe take off your bumper then snap a picture and blog about the fucktard I just scared the piss out of.

Cyclist on the road are begging to get ran over. I hate that we actually hear about this but we do- and often. I am not bitching about motorcycles...because they have engines and are probably the most cautious drivers on the road because so many car drivers don't look for them. I am talking about the dumbasses riding their ten-speeds on the freeway. This is never a good idea and I don't care if your name is Lance Armstrong or you're wearing a jersey for a team you're not on. We are driving 70+ MPH and trying not to get run over by semis. Your spandex man panties and foam filled brain bucket is no match for a one ton pick up that has just been ass rammed by a semi and is now doing cart wheels in your general direction.  You also shouldn't pedal your ass on two lane barely paved country roads either. We can't see you in time to slow down and I especially hate it when my side mirrors graze your head and then you flip me off and then I have to pull over and explain a basic law of Physics to you. You know the one that says two objects can not occupy the same space at the same time. And maybe the one that says I am bigger, faster and have four wheels so move the hell off of the road. Not sure which one that is but I am sure you can all see the brilliance in it. If a 747 was landing on the road in front of your house- would you just keep mowing the grass? No- you would quickly move your ass away. Far away. Same thing when a Ford 350 is tail gating you. Move.To.The. Shoulder.Quickly. Seriously- some of those cyclist slow down on purpose and play chicken with speeding bullet cars. Really? Hope you think it's worth it when you're digging my axle out of your ass.

Ladies, Cover Girl hates you and so does EMS.  The quickest way for you to meet a cute fireman is to apply your make up, curl your hair (no thanks to butane powered curling irons) or paint your nails while you are piloting your car down the highway. No fucking way are you paying attention to me, the road or the concrete barrier in front of you if you are busy trying to color in the lines of your lips or nail beds. When your car hits me or the bridge and then spirals out of control into a traffic wrecking ball of screaming WTF's- eventually you will stop and you will regain consciousness. Maybe. In the meantime- the hot firemen will arrive at the scene first- were they will all stare in disbelief trying to figure out how to free your right nipple from being pinned to your dashboard by your mascara wand.  Then the EMS people will show up to scrape what's left of your bloody ass off of the pavement but not before they snap your picture to share on their super secret EMS Face Book wall of dumbasses that killed themselves in a car wreck because they couldn't get their bitch asses out of bed 10 minutes earlier to do their make up at home. Bet you don't feel pretty anymore. Wake your ass up in time to get fabulous or wait until you are safely out of striking my truck distance- like in your work parking lot- before you decide to get glam. Otherwise I will personally make it my mission to pimp check your stupid ugly self after we get out of our cars so I can get your insurance information and alert the State that their idiot escaped from the useless dumbass institution.

Don't do this. Ever.

(Sorry for the Democrat just sounded funny. Texas loves tree huggers, too. Sorta.)

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Fist Boners & Douche Canoes

Time to update the Dirty Dictionary! Here are a few more must haves in your weapons grade vocabulary. It delights me to no end when some jack  hole jumps up and down waving his idiot flag in front of me and begging me to administer a verbal beat down to his head. It's extraordinarily fulfilling to accidentally on purpose let one of these slip out and watch some ass wipes passionate debate screech to a silent halt as they try to figure out A: Did I just really say that out loud a B: WTF does that mean? I share this with you, so you may also know the great pleasure of squishing ass hattery to a messy and silent end. You are welcome!

Crap Hammock: The part of the grocery cart that people plunk their little cootie covered offspring in. It has likely had piss and baby crap oozing onto it, snot and drool dripping down onto the handle and soggy Cheerios crusted under the little plastic flap thingy. I don't think your hand sanitizer can fight that sort of war and neither can your eggs, bread or whatever else you put up there to be "safe".

Crime Scene: That special time of the month when your lady business shuts down to power wash away left over love and memories of what's his name from your special places. Since a mess is always involved- it is appropriate to wrap your bits in bright yellow police tape, you know, so no one gets hurt or massacred for getting too close to your bloated grouchy ass. And no, there is no "happy" in "period".

Crotch Creeper: A person that stares a hole into a man's crotch because they are hungry, cock deprived or dreaming of an upgrade. If you spot a dirty whore staring at your man's package- feel free to pimp check her. It's totally within the rules of bitch war.

Douche Nozzle or Douche Canoe: The male and female version of Douche Bag (see below) because sometimes you have to be specific in the extent of douchery.

Douche Bag: Once near extinction, this species is on the rise thanks to Jersey Shore and The Bachelor. Oh yes, their over inflated egos think they are celebrities because we are all watching them. When we are really just waiting to see the  next epic bitch slap battle they are massacred in so we can point and laugh. They are not intelligent or fast- so you can easily catch them and use them as a pinata. A fake baked, hair jelled , sissy crying pinata. A few short moronic comments and a total epic beat down from being a mother fucker.

Fist Boner: When you want to punch some douche nozzle so badly that your middle finger will not relax from the fuck off position until some brutal fucktard beat down has occurred.

Frankenpussy:  A side effect of child birth born the instant you hear that giant rip, subsequently merging your vagina and cornholio into one giant flesh wound.  As a result of your lady business stretching so much- you can hold one side in each hand and glide like a flying squirrel out of the 5th story hospital room and land safely in the county jail after you have murdered every one in any way responsible for your dirty whore ass getting knocked up in the first place. Bonus- you get stitches!

Maggot Toe: The result of dismounting from my platform bed, catching my tiny baby toe in the frame and sailing into the wall head first (baby toe still firmly lodged in the Ikea bed frame) and then screaming bloody fucking murder. It is also the reason why I had to give about 10 pair of awesome hooker heels to Carrie because that fat little toe will not show me a little mercy and just squeeze into the fucking shoe. The maggot toe chronicle is here should you want to see a picture of the frankentoe.

Man Hole Cover: A tampon or any other feminine product used to mop up your personal crime scene. Since you can probably ick yourself out with a visual, I will skip trying to describe it for you. OK , maybe some of you can't, think cherry Jell-O with cookie dough chunks. You may go throw up now.

Mud Whistle: The result of trusting a fart too soon after you have eaten Mexican food or whatever it is that prompts your GI tract to take a puke out of your butt hole.  Similar to a pisshap but chunkier.

Pimp Check: The act of verbally or physically informing a bitch that she crossed the line by stepping on your fabulous shoes, creeping on your man's crotch or any other transgression that sets your inner honey badger into a piss and vinegar fueled fit. Failure to pimp check that chick will result in your BFF's beating your ass for being a door mat.

Pisshap: A accidental pissing that usually follows a sneeze or too much alcohol. Or maybe both if you happen to be me or an over 40 woman. Pissing yourself is bad- but pissing on a 12 year old on a plane is an epic pisshap- just ask the ex Olympic skier. Or Mr. Depardieu. They know all about it! Safety Note: You never want to find yourself on the end stream of this funny but totally obnoxious and unsanitary "accident".

Whom Alert: A beacon of WTF's that shines loud and burns the retinas of any ass hat that dares to strap on their grammar Nazi arm band and publicly admonish a writer, speaker or anyone else. The whom alert lets every one standing within twenty feet of said ass hat to drop what they are doing and go beat the living fuck out of them. It's only fair- if you dare to publicly embarrass someone so you can look all smart then you get a broken bone. Or two. Because it takes a village to squash  rude ass know it all punks and put them in their place.

WTF Panties: Pull these on and up (careful not to get a wedgie) when you are about to be shocked & awed by some epic display of stupidity, ignorance and blatant disregard of common courtesy or sense. Think the budget ass hattery that just occurred. It's likely that most tax paying Americans shat their WTF panties that week. Perhaps you still have the trots from that whole mess. Maybe we need plastic lined WTF panties.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday: It's Not Me, It's You

I have some pent up annoyances and since three glasses of wine, one ice cream bar and a pot of coffee (yeah, I drank it all tonight) have yet to knock me out, calm my nerves or make me ADHD enough to think about something else, I'm gonna have to take a big old bitch crap right here! So step into your WTF panties and prepare to be offended or possibly get a free butt hurt session if you happen to be guilty of any of these:

Third Person makes me enter a new zip code of Crazy Town when people refer to themselves in it. Mostly because when they do that, I always find myself looking around trying to figure out who they are talking to. Then I realize they are talking about themselves and I just stood there for five minutes like a monkey digging a cling on out of her butt and playing eye spy to id the lucky fuck to fling the poo at. This pisses off Skinny Cat (see- annoying). Then I slam it into WTF gear because that is the highest display of snobbery bullshit, like ever. "Joe would like an iced tea", says Joe. Cat is going to kick Joe so hard in the naughty bits that his ball sack is going to swing over his head, launch into the atmosphere and reach weightlessness if he keeps referring to himself as if  he's not present. Don't be a stuck up douche canoe.

Grocery carts cause me angst from the beginning to the end of shopping trips. Which is unfortunate since I  totally love grocery shopping (seriously- I do). First, they are filthy and have more germs than a daycare with a stomach virus and chicken pox epidemic. Why do people put their food in that little part of the basket that serves as a crap hammock for babies? It has likely had piss and baby crap oozing onto it, snot and drool dripping down onto the handle and soggy Cheerios crusted under the little plastic flap thingy. I don't think your hand sanitizer can fight that sort of war and neither can your eggs, bread or whatever else you put up there to be "safe". After a good wipe down with nuclear strength wipes, I keep my basket organized so check out and bagging will be effortless. Frozen, bread aisle stuff, dairy, produce and extra crap (make up, Tampons, dog food, etc.) all have their little space in the cart. So why is it that when I get home- my shit is all mixed up! Why is the 409 with the popcorn and the meat is chilling with the produce? Is the store trying to kill my family with cleaning products or Ecoli? And then there is the business of returning the cart- I walk mine to the cart return, you know, where it belongs. I go ape shit nutso when I see people just leave theirs to roam free in the parking lot. Seriously- your fat ass just walked all over the store,  can you really not return the cart to one of those little prisons in the parking lot? If your cart hits my truck you had better hope you bought some K-Y Jelly because said cart is going to get rammed up your ass by yours truly. Don't be a lazy ape.

 Head sets are for fucktards. If you are driving, I get the whole hands free thing. But if you are sitting in a coffee shop yammering away to the empty space while the rest us give you shut the fuck up looks there is something broken in you or you are a serious attention whore. Nothing more desperately screams "look at me" than having an air conversation with your pretend friend while discussing how much money you are never going to make. M'kay? You look like an ass, you are shitastically annoying and we don't want to hear you bitch about your problems. We're here for coffee/books/groceries/dildos, etc. and you are seriously pissing on our me time. On the subject of cell phones, how about you refrain from texting, answering calls or sending pictures of your crotch while you are sharing a meal, on a date or hanging out with your peeps. That is rude and makes people want to delete you from their cell phone and never talk to you again. Don't be a attention whoring fucktard.

Penis names  ick me out. Please do not speak to your penis or ask me to call it a proper noun. It is not  your pet, your child or a person. It is also not manly or hot. It makes ladies feel like a pedophile when you ask us to baby talk your cock. "Awww does Cat want to hug Mr. Wiggles with her thighs?". No , no she does not. She is now ooged out, turned off and would like to run away and never see your freak show self or creepy talking puppet penis again. Don't be an ass clown and treat your penis like a person.

Just for shits and giggles, I did a little interweb research for you and found a few celebrity penis names- I took a guess at why they picked these names. I guess you need to have one to understand the naming creepiness.

Hugh Jackson- Old James Rodger (Bad summer camp experience?)
Vinny from Jersey Shore- Moby Dick (What a douche canoe!)
John Mayer- David Duke (Um,so,your penis is a white supremacist? What a jack hole!)
Wilt Chamberlain- Big Dipper (I was thinking more like Planned Parenthood STD Poster Penis)
Gary Busey- Big Wednesday (WTF does that even mean..oh wait, it's Gary Busey, he doesn't know either)
Macaulay Culkin- Floyd ( Casting couch gone horribly wrong?)
Owen Wilson- Butterscotch Stallion (I just had a vision of oozing yellow stuff)
Rainn Wilson- The Fail Whale ('Nough said. Next!)

There, now I feel all better having shared my short list of shit that is annoying me today and I can rest. What peeves you off so much you have to drink alot or possibly maybe slap the crap out of someone?

Weigh In Wednesday Week One Results!!!

I dropped from 225.8 to 222.5 (giving me a 1.46% weight loss). Instead of going all ninja on my diet. I decided to make some gradual changes so the weight would stay off , on this, my one millionth diet. This week I greatly reduced my Coke (soda Coke- not Lindsey Lohan coke) and bread consumption. I just focused on those two things and I am pleased with my progress...although I would of been totally happy to report losing 70 pounds last week but that would of required surgery and no wine during I said fuck that crazy business I'll just lose it gradually. With wine and only emotional scars. This week I will attempt to stop eating cheese and dairy- I might start walking if the temperature ever drops below 110.

So contestants- let us all know how you lost weight, your challenges, your disappointments and so on. Basically, please feel free to post your own diet madness and tips in the comments below. If I were you, I would be first and /or most creative. Just sayin'...

Every one lost something- and that is awesome! Great job and Honey Badger High Fives for taking the first steps to making fabulous you even more fierce! Carrie kicked ass- and by that I mean she kicked her own ass- right into loosing 6.6 pounds last week! I am secretly jealous of you Carrie, and hope you enjoy the two bottles of wine coming your way from Spellbound Vineyards courtesy of Austin's own Clay Pit! Be nice a share, would ya!

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Shoe Porn: Fall Fabulous & The Diva Cat

These fabulous wine colored patent pumps are the perfect Fall shoe! Made by Bandolino (my favorite shoe maker), you can get your pair only  at Nordstrom's or a Bandolino store  because they are limited edition but worth the $125. Perfectly pleated platform toe box, 4" heel and beautiful construction. This is a neutral go to that wows from jeans to your LBD. That bag is a gift from my Big Sister- she snapped it up for me at Charming Charlie's and it matches the shoe so perfectly- you would never know they are sisters from another mister. LOVE the edgy hardware on that bag- makes this  perfectly respectful pump look a little hookerish.

This is The Girl's kitten, Rebel. He was "helping " me snap pictures today.

Have you Liked the Skinny Cat Facebook page yet? There may be a little surprise in store for you if you have!

Fall Fabulous Ladies:

Weigh in is due by 8PM CST TODAY! Please post a comment  here with your weight (no one will see it but me because I approve comments before they post). It should look like this: Start Weight:  / Weight Today:

Also- you have to post a comment on the Weigh In Wednesday post tomorrow about what you did to lose this week, any tips, any menacing cravings and how you are feeling! Be first and be the most creative...

Sunday, August 21, 2011

How To Not Give A Fu.....Care

The Girl and my Niece start college this week, so I thought I would give them a little wisdom and a couple of tools that will save their asses one day as they venture out into adult life. Ladies, I am very proud of you and love you very much. Please have fun but do not post pictures of yourselves on Facebook being dumbasses because then you will be grounded until you are 40 and probably not ever be able to find a job. Unless it's funny, then I will high five you (but you'll still likely never find a job).

Seriously though, have a good giggle and get down to the business of kicking ass and taking names. You two are something special and  your lives start now- so go live it like you mean it!

On giving a fu...eeer being awesome...

Tools to keep you alert and engaged in class:

And lastly, should you ever need to fly the bat signal to call for help, this should do the trick:

I love you both very much- now go be Honey Badgers!

XOXOX Mommy  & Auntie Crazy

Artsy Chicks: KnotWork

I stumbled on this little gem while I was shopping on Etsy! I adore these little mug, coffee cup and beer coozies! It's like she reads my mind (or blog) because I would totally say all of the things she stitches onto her work! Her tag line is awesome, "lowering the tone one cup at a time".  Wonder if I sported one to Starbuck's if I would get tossed out on my head for breaking the douche baggery mold! I love her list of favorite materials- those are all of my favorites too! Wonder if she's related to me. She will customize, too! Prices are $6 - $20ish. Go check it out and order your stocking stuffers now!

Knot Work
"Lowering the tone one cup at a time."
I'm a professional hooker.I learned to knit when I was about 10, but only occasionally used my knowledge. I picked up the needle habit again in the recent past, and along the way got dragged into hooking. I have found my niche with the hook and yarn. It is so versatile and allows me to express my creativity which I so rarely get to do otherwise. My goal is to use humor and profanity to lighten up an otherwise dreary day you may be having. It works for me anyway.

Favorite Materials
Humor, sarcasm, laughter, piss & vinegar

Saturday, August 20, 2011

8.20.11 Weekly Wrap Up

From Skinny Cat FB Fan Katy Dain (Hi Katy!):
"This sounds like Jose Cuervo's #1 lie!". In response to my Wednesday post,  see it here!


Grocery store inadvertently reinforces crude cultural stereotype.

Most Read Post:
My ordeal with Fucktard PD ( Read it here) .

What's Up for Artsy Chicks Tomorrow:

This Artsy Chick will knock your socks off with her humor (don't worry- she can make new socks for you). I totally love her style and humor and I know you will, also! I was giggling just at her profile, "I hope to one day earn the meager wage I received in non-profit management through my hooking... ". Haaa- hooking , you say!

What's New:

The Fall Fabulous Challenge is in full swing! I can not wait to see your progress on Wednesday!

**Challenge Contestant's: By Tuesday evening 8PM CST you need to post your weight to my blog. I moderate all comments and approve before posting so no worries- they won't be shown- only I will see them- then delete them. Also, on the  Weigh in Wednesday post next week (and every week) , please post a comment that you want to share about how your first week went, what you did , what you changed and so on. Thank you!**

Best Bloggity Post I Read:
Not so much a post- but a great place to go when you are having a shitty day- because someone here has failed more epically than you did!

Friday, August 19, 2011

Clerical Errors: Part Are You F*cking Kidding Me!

So remember how just yesterday I said my ticket was clear, because the nice people at the police department said it was? So I was informed I needed to pay $20 (another $20) to completely clear it. You know what, that sucks, but not as bad as being arrested and thrown in jail for no good reason sucks. My daughter, The Girl , volunteers to drive over there and pay it so we can be done and she doesn't have to have a criminal Mommy. This is incredibly sweet of her, because I am a four hour drive away. She is about an hour from this little town so she shows up there this afternoon. Guess what? No , go ahead and guess....

They won't fucking take her money! Know why? Because they don't have proof that I paid my ticket! If you haven't read the entire epically fucked up beyond all recognition ticket story that has been looming over my head and freedom since March- then read here, I am certain you will find it at least entertaining and possibly scare the shit out of you when you read how a clerical error could cost you your freedom and several thousand dollars! Mind you I have faxed the proof and taken it personally to them for a total of now FOUR times. I have given them a copy of the fax receipt and a copy of the receipts THEY gave me acknowledging they have everything they need, that I paid and it's all their fault. So imagine my surprise when I have this conversation today with The Girl:

"Mom, they won't take the $20 because they said you haven't given them proof you got your inspection."

"WTF! I faxed it and you were there the two times I personally handed it to them."

"I know Mom, I'm pretty pissed, too. What do you want me to do to her."

I am certain The Girl  was really asking me what she should do...not so much what she should do to someone. She might have my , um, temper.

"Let me talk to her."

"She said you have to call from your phone." Jeebus Christmas, seriously! So I get the number, drive my ass home so I can call with all of the proof in front of me .It goes to voicemail. I call three more times. Same result. So I Google and get a main line in and finally get transferred to the retard that talked to my daughter. My intention was to play it cool, even though I have done that every other time I was there or called, thinking if I'm nice, they'll be happy to help me. But not this time, nope that raging Rainwater Indian popped right out with a tomahawk heady to scalp someone!

"Retarded Ass Hat PD, how may I help you?"

"Yes, my daughter was just there to pay my ticket, AGAIN, and was told you won't take the money AGAIN! What's the issue?"

"We don't have proof you got your registration sticker."

So I inform her that I faxed it in March and personally handed it to her supervisor on two other occasions and I have a receipt from him saying I am all clear AND I just spoke with him and he said to just bring in $20.

"Oh, I can't see the files.". Oh my gosh y'all , I am speechless.

"Then. How. Do. You . Know. I . Didn't . Get . A . Freaking. Sticker!"

"Just says on the system."

"Look, you monkeys have screwed me over since March. MARCH! I have been there three times, paid you once and then you laughingly made a clerical error that should of resulted in me being arrested when I went to renew my license. But they didn't arrest me! You know why? Because I showed them the 100 pieces of paper I sent you all , and you all sent me, verifying I have paid and did everything I was supposed to do. Even DPS thinks you guys are morons. So what do you want me to do now! Do I need to make and eight hour round trip on Monday and hope I don't get pulled over on the way?"

"I'm sorry this has happened but yo..."

"I'll let the next DPS Trooper who tries to take me to jail know you're sorry and that will be really super comforting to me as I pay three thousand dollars to post bail and maybe not have to spend a weekend in jail because you guys are not available on the weekends".

"Ma'am, is your daughter close? I will take the money".

Awesome! That's fucking awesome because right now I have a blood pressure headache, my heart is racing and I seriously think I might need to go to the ER but that's fucking awesome. I hope I get to live to see this actually cleared and then buy an ad in your local paper to warn people how epically inept you all are at your job. The Girl tells me she has a receipt now, she also told me there was a person in line with her that actually got arrested  at their house and went to jail all because that same PD made a clerical error.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Clerical Errors & Body Cavity Searches

After a nice brunch, and by brunch I mean margaritas and queso, with my good pal Carrie we decided to go shopping in a nearby small town. It wasn't a long drive but since after the shopping festivities were over, we would have to go opposite directions,  we both jumped into our respective Beasts and moved our happy asses over to the mall. Now, I had never been to this mall so I was proceeding cautiously through a zig zagging fubared excuse of a road and that is when Johnny Law saw me. He was staring at me while he passed me, I knew I was having a great hair day  but damn, don't be a creeper! Then his lights started flashing and he did a u-turn that landed him squarely behind me, subsequently setting off a most unfortunate series of events.

I drive to the parking lot. Carrie parks one car away and then my phones buzzes to life with a text, "WTF? Can't we go anywhere without a cop pulling us over?". I can't text back because the nice officer is walking up to the side of my truck and politely asks me if I know why he pulled me over. Just as an aside, why do they ask that? Do I get a free pass if I get the answer right, maybe a high five? "No Sir" I answer. He proceeds to let me know that my inspection and registration stickers are both expired. He walks back to his car to verify I'm not a Mexican drug runner in the computer. Another text comes in and I let her know what the deal is. Then , "Cry. Just cry when he walks back up there and tell him your sad story. Cry. NOW!". And so I cry and drive off with one warning and one ticket that is only $20. Whew! Thanks goodness for blond hair and water on demand! I pay the ticket online the next day and all is well. That was in March.

 In June I receive a cute little post card from that sweet little city , "Hi! A warrant has been issued for your arrest for failing to appear and pay your traffic ticket". What. The. Fuck. I call and explain when I paid it and how. They say everything is fine, sorry for the scare and all but I have nothing to worry about. I don't know about you all but when my freedom is on the line and I may find myself in some crap little jail dressed in horizontal stripes on a Friday night, well I take action to avoid that whole fashion disaster.  I sneak into that city and go directly to the mall/courthouse/library/police station (not kidding- it's all in one place). I explain my dilemma to the Deputy Clerk and he lets me know it appears my payment has been posted to someone's account, just not mine. I offer to just pay another $20 to be sure- he refuses to take my payment again. The voices in my head say, "Bitch that's awesome but don't you think we need something in writing in case you mow over a street sign in your truck and attract the attention of some bored cop in the parking lot?". So I request something in writing and I am grateful I did because in July, a week before I moved, I thought I better go check on this issue and make sure it's clear. It's like de-je-fucking-vu! Same song- second verse! We go through it all again- yep still researching it, you're fine, no we can't take another $20 , you don't have to worry, we probably won't arrest you and so on. Probably? I give them my cell, my email and my New City address to make sure they can find me to tell me this is clear. I call them once we get moved and it's all taken care of. Whew!

Fast forward to last week. I went to change the address on my driver's license and was told I can't because I  have an FTA hold. I am sure I looked puzzled because then the nice Texas Trooper standing there with his big gun and shiny handcuffs begins to explain that an FTA hold is a Failure To Appear, which is essentially bail jumping. WHAT? Oh shit- this is so going to go horribly wrong because I am 100% sure that I am about to get tossed into the pokey. By the looks of some of the people hanging out there, it is not going to be anything like those 1960's prison pajama party movies! I pull out my giant file of all things related to this epic paperwork fuck up and show them what Ass Hat Deputy Clerk gave me.  I am relieved to report that the Trooper let me go and told me who to call. After DAYS of getting a recording, I finally get through to Ass Hat and he giggles because, golly, he was just looking at my file because they accidentally turned me into the fucking DPS  warrant system for Failure To Appear, Bail Jumping and Failure to Pay. I'm sorry, how the hell did I jump bail if I was not arrested and ordered to post bail in the first place and I have a signed paper from their court saying I paid my fine and it was all a clerical error.

 I am assured that this has all been backed out of the system several days ago. " No, no it has not because I was at DPS yesterday and they informed me of this mistake that should have landed me in jail so can you please double check?!?!". He checks and guess what everyone? It was not transmitted. Really? I just told you that, you fucking retarded government ass munching lazy baboon!   I quietly wait while he fixes my file, sends it to DPS and then emails the proof to me. But wait, although my problem is now fixed, Ass Hat has now done something that I think is entirely illegal and an epic breech of confidentiality (and if you know , please feel free to comment). The proof he sends me is a screen shot of his monitor. Yes, it shows that I am finally free and clear but it also shows the name, birth date, driver's license number and docket numbers for six other people. People I don't know, but I know they probably wouldn't want information like that sent to a stranger via email that can be printed, posted on the internet and shared. If that is not bad enough, it also tells me if they were convicted. I'm still speechless.

Oh but there's more! A day after I posted this...guess what happened!

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday: And So It Begins!

Here we are- back to the future in a way-  this is my first post ever to my blog. The day that started it all, and well, my blog has been successful but my weight loss not so much! I was trying to think of something clever, funny and cute to write so Fall Fabulous would launch with a giggle! But you know what- there is nothing funny about being overweight and unhealthy. So I decided to repost my original thought...

I'm Cat, and if I am being honest, I would label myself as fat. If you ask the BMI chart to be honest (and I suggest you only seek that charts counsel after you have had a stiff drink or 10) then I am obese. If you are brave and numbed by an adult beverage, you can find out your BMI here.. I am 5'8" and weigh (or did weigh) 227. That was last week. Before my beloved gifted me the ultimate Valentine's Day present sans the fancy wrapping, foil stamped card and box of chocolates. I got the gift that keeps on giving... for several days.
I've been in the 220's club for roughly 5 years now. I used to be in the 130's club. Both are exceedingly unhealthy for me. I have lots of solid excuses to point the finger at for my weight since 2005:

  1. I have RA & Fibromyalgia
  2. I'm too tired to exercise & too busy to eat a healthy meal
  3. Diet Coke cancels out anything bad I eat
  4. I can only afford processed food and Chick-Fil-A. And Starbucks. Maybe Chili's.
  5. My big ass and thick legs are hereditary
  6. I have no will power
  7. I can't lose the baby weight (said baby just turned 18 ...years, not months)
  8. My blood pressure meds make me swell and have cankles

The truth is I have been lazy and self indulgent. I have likely tried every fad and  health  wrecking diet out there.  I have a very impressive collection of diet books, exercise DVD's and web print outs full of groundbreaking, miracle diet results. The only thing skinny about me at this point is my checking account. For all of my efforts of yo-yo dieting, eating an ass-load of processed mystery food, drinking swimming pools worth of soda and consuming tons of blood/uric acid/urine/pesticide/hormone laced red meat-  well no wonder I feel like crap and wear a size 18 (yes , I did just tell the entire planet my weight and clothing size). It's no wonder why #'s 1, 5,8 and 9 are my constant nagging companions. This explains why every morning when I am getting ready for work, I curse the bad lighting in my bathroom because that chick in the mirror looks about 50 lbs. heavier than she thinks she is.... read the rest here!


Nearly 350 people viewed the Fall Fabulous page and I have seven brave ladies ready to kick some ass and get healthy, so, without further delay- here is our line up! You can check our progress every Wednesday and see who has won the awesome prizes! And because this contest is about helping a honey badger out, you can join in at anytime. You'll have to play serious catch -up since the ladies below are motivated and ready to go! Prizes are based on weekly progress, a few surprises and then the big finish of who met their goal(s) and who totally kicking their ass to the curb.

The Honey Badgers:

I'm an artist and a newly single mom. I'm doing this because I'm tired of seeing these same handful (or bucketful) of pounds hanging around. I will be working out, eating clean, and taking care of my body the way it's supposed to. My goal is a 14.9% body weight loss in 8 weeks.  Yes, I know it's ambitious, but nothing is worth doing if you aren't doing it right.   This will bring me within a spitting distance of my high school weight, and I'd really like to try on my old high waisted jeans just to see if they fit.   Even if I would never wear them in public. Plus, I have a seriously spandex Halloween costume in my mind, and don't want to be all lumpy, bumpy.  

I'm tired of being old and fat, when I used to be the hottest thing in the room.  I'm also  tired of these skinny flat bellied bitches that make me feel that way. I want to lose 25-35 pounds. I am going to win by eating fucking rabbit food and drinking Metamucel in all my drinks

I'm a mom, photographer and body boarder in Oahu, Hawaii! My goal is to lose at least 20 pounds for my health and my sanity (what's left of it). I just bought a treadmill so I can run off my Twinkies & Doritos off! Stand back everyone because I am so in this to win it!

I'm a stay at home mom and writer. I want to get down to 125 (-13.5 lbs.). To win, I'm going to do a lot of crystal meth, and start whoring, in hopes of contracting aids so that my body just does the work for me. Because lord knows I can't stop eating.

 Miss Bliss:
Starting today, for the next nine weeks, this young honey badger is going to kick ass and take names on every (well, as many as possible...) unsightly lump, bulge, and excess inch that has accumulated over the past 4 years of college. Eventual goal weight: 115 lbs. That's a long fucking way to go. I probably should have stopped eating Chipotle three years ago, but that rice... oh god.  Goal for this challenge: Let's say... 21 lbs. That's reasonable enough, if a little optimistic on a per-week basis. I'll be tracking food, exercise, and weight on Lose It! using my fab iPod touch and their free app.

I am 66 years old, I carve and design on real eggs and make jewelry. I am retired and overweight for my 5'1" body. Yes, I am shrinking. I am doing this just for me, by cutting unwanted calories, like beer, no scratch that, chocolate, ahh that too. OK, I will just exercise more, I'll ramp up on the walking. That I like to do. Weight loss goal for 8 weeks..15 lbs +

Skinny Cat:
You probably already know WAY more about me than you ever wanted to by now! My goal is to lose 25 lbs. during this challenge. Twenty. Five. I am starting at 225.2 and I'm so excited that I won't be doing it alone- but I will be doing it sorta hungry! Portion control and Herba Life shakes, walking, bitching, moaning and cussing are my go to weapons. Game on, ladies, the challenge starts NOW! Oh, and because Carrie was the first to register and put her ass on the line with me , she wins the first prize. No,'s not  the Coach bag or the shoes...but how about your choice of any 2  O.P.I. nail polish colors?